The colonial policy of the capitalist countries has completed the seizure of unoccupied territories on our planet. For the first time, the world is completely shared out…

-Vladimir Lenin, 1904.

The Capitalist cabal has sucked every asset on the planet into its maw. Under the Theory of Continual Growth the Oligarchs acquired everything on earth. Now there is nothing left to own. Like bored Olympians they push the same pile of chips across tattered green felt of the earth’s surface in an endless poker game. One day the East has more chips, the next day the West. Total wealth doesn’t grow, it is merely redistriibuted. But a closed system gradually loses mass and energy. The pile is diminishing. Entropy is setting in. There is only one solution…Monetize the Galaxy.

-Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, 2011.

The US Air Force launched a top-secret rocket Wednesday carrying what is believed to be a space probe. US officials have declined to give any details about the purpose of the rocket, where it was going or when it would reach orbit…

-Associated Press, 2012

THE DAILY EVENT FUTURE BEAT

Sparing no expense in its determination to pique the interest of its demanding, easily distracted readership, the Daily Event has sent reporter Dale Arden hurtling atnear light speed–and great personal risk–through a space/time wormhole into the future. This is her first dispatch.

EXOPLANET INDEFAULT BLAMES “EARTHGREED”

SPACE STATION MAMMON, March 27, 2059…Plagued by non-performing loans, fund redemptions and collateral calls the planet Gliese 581c edged closer to bankruptcy yesterday.

Trading on theGliesian “Astral” was halted after it plunged to As11,000 to the dollar on the Near Space Currency Exchange.

Rhapsodia, which is what Gliesians called their planet, B.C. (Before Contact) had been trying to negotiate bridge loans and an extension on payments due, said Chief Monetizer Etaoin Shrdlu, but”our terrestrial counter-parties have turned their backs on us.” He said thatGliese 581c with a mass 1.5 times the size of earth is “too big to fail,” and warned that”unless we receive emergency aid we’ll all be consumed in a financial super nova that will reduce our bi-solar system to a shantytown of barren asteroids.”

In Beijing, Galactic Reserve Bank Chairman Heng Mao agreed that “we cannot easily overcome the gravity of this situation,” butaccused Gliese of “gamma ray rhetoric.”

“The Gliesians have created an unsustainable consumer economy based on easy credit, baseless speculation and chaotic deregulation,” Heng said. “To bail them out now would be to throw more money down a black hole.”

The Earth-Gliese Articles of Confederation promise “sempiternal harmony” to the peoples of both planets, but in recent years the union has been shaken by accusations of mismanagement, malfeasance and corruption. This is a tragic development to elderly earth scientistswho remember the morning of April 24, 2007 when news came from the La Silla Paranol Observatory in Southern Chile that an exoplanet had been discovered orbiting the red dwarf Gliese about 20.5 light years fromearth.To the gleeful astronomers who had been “planet hunting” for years it was a possible kindred spirit in the vast, ever-expanding universe. Orbiting in what they called “the Goldilocks zone,” not too hot or too cold, it had atmospheric conditions that could support life forms similar to earth’ s. The temperature range was between 32 and 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Some computer models posited a rocky, mountainous surface; others detected a “seaworld” of temperate oceans with a profusion of life forms flourishing beneath the surface.

Radio waves were instantly beamed from observatories and satellites all over the planet. For years there was no response, but the scientists persisted. Then on December 24, 2015, a faint wave was received. Some described it as “tentative, almost reluctant.” Later it emerged that the Gliesians, a shy people, had been unnerved by this bombardment of signals, not understanding that there was an intense competition on earth to see who would be the first to communicate with them.

Scientists on both planets worked tirelessly to develop a rudimentary code.A technology was perfected to transmit graphics…then photographs…then videos. Linguistics specialists created a new language and soon the planets were conversing with fluent comprehension.

In those heady days the two planets were exhilarated to learn that they were not alone in the universe. Every bit of information was a revelation. The computer models had been half right. Gliese 581c was half-rock, half-ocean. In grainy images transmitted across 20.5 light years the rock people looked like centaurs, half-being, half-vehicle with bulbous heads and four suction casters for climbing. The sea dwellers were like mermaids, half-being, half-motorized tail. Anthropologists were amazed at how closely they resembled creatures from earthly myths. But some were alarmed. On Fox News Network Bill O’Reilly warned that “these Gliesians obviously visited earth in our prehistory, planted commands in our preconscious minds, and now plan to return to enslave us.”

In spite of their physical differences the Gliesians were a united people. They werestressless and amiable, each group supplying the needs of the other. They had achieved voluntary immortality, controlling their moments of what they called “inception” and “cessation.” Eager to please their new friends on earth they agreed to change the name of their planet to Gliese.

“They live in tranquil cooperation,” Dr. Phil said, and was overheard muttering to an assistant: “if this spreads to earth it will put us all out of business.”

But analysts soon found that there was one area in which the Gliesians were deficient: They had no economy.

“They were less sophisticated than the most primitive village in the Amazon,” says economist Elliot Gruber-Yonge. “They didn’t even understand potlatch.”

“We had been humbled by their superior lifestyle,” adds psychologist Anne Grosspiske. “Now we realized we had something to teach them.”

Economists set to work helping the Gliesians build an economic system.

“First, we created a currency, the astral, which would replace barter and capricious generosity as a way of dispensing and acquiring services ” says Gruber-Yonge. “Then, we encouraged the Gliesians to value their assets. This was tremendously exciting as they realized that some of them owned property that was more valuable than their neighbors.” A flourishing real estate market grew up overnight. Luxurious caves and underwater palaces were built. Earth attorneys helped the Gliesians devise a legal system to enforce contracts and settle disputes.

“The next step was to get the Gliesians to value their own labor,” says Gruber-Yonge. “Many were delighted to see that their skills were worth morethan their neighbors.” Compensation schedules were created.An elite separated itself from the mass. Comparative wealth created rich and poor, upper and lower class…” Gruber-Yonge pauses with a reverent look. “It was alike watching the six days of creation.”

The inevitable conflicts of a flourishing economy caused tension and resentment, which the legal system expanded to resolve. Police agencies were created to enforce the laws. Prisons were built.

Meanwhile, bankers on earth created an exchange to trade in Gliesian stocks, property and currency. The Chinese, who had run out of places on earth to invest, were enthusiastic about this new market. Astrals were converted to dollars. Fortunes were made.

“The Gliesians were amazed at how we could create wealth out of thin air,” says Gruber-Yonge. “They formed hundreds of corporations for their new stock exchange. They checked the prices every day. Used their astrals to invest in the earth markets.”

Earth bankers converted stimulus billions into astrals, which they lent to Gliesian monetizers, who then lent them to theirfledgling capitalists and returned the interest to earth in the form of astrals, which were quickly converted into dollars. Earth bankers traded astral futures among themselves and made gigantic bets in the Gliesian markets.

“Gliesians were fascinated by the concept of leverage,” Gruber-Yonge says. “To them it was magical. They praised us to the sky.”

With the astral pegged at one to two dollars profits were astronomical.

“In a leveraged developing economy there are no losers,” Gruber-Yonge says. “A fishtail (we called them rockheads and fishtails) borrowed a milliion astrals to build an underwater yo yo factory and sold it for forty million three months later.”

But slowly, imperceptibly a consumer economy took hold.

“Gliesans were purchasing and manufacturing products they didn’t really need,” says Gruber-Yonge ruefully. “They were caught up in a spending and leveraging frenzy. Then, they woke up one morning and there was nothing left to buy.”

With sagging demand factories closed, jobs were lost, loans and mortgages were delinquent. Earth banks began to report losses as Gliesians defaulted. The astral plunged. The dollar was incrisis. The Chinese, enraged that once again their trillion dollar investment had been devalued, called for the creation of “an intergalactic reserve currency that is disconnected from individual planets and remains stable.”

Earth governments intervened and nationalized the banks, wiping out the Gliesian shareholders.

Gliese, faced with massive unemployment, plunging property values and social unrest, appealed to earth.

“Your greed has brought us to the brink of this precipice. You will create more credit for your banks and recover your wealth, but we are ruined.”

And now the Gliesians learned a new economic concept–the write-off. Earth bankers sent their regrets. There was nothing they could do.

This morning inwhat was described as an energy-saving move, Earth switched off its communication links with Gliese.

As the signal faded, a Gliesian could be heard lamenting:

“We’ll never be able to call ourselves Rhapsodia again.”

THE DAILY EVENT FUTURE BEAT

Sparing no expense in its determination to pique the interest of its demanding, easily distracted readership, the Daily Event has sent reporter Dale Arden hurtling at near light speed–and great personal risk–through a space/time wormhole into the future. This is her first dispatch.

EXOPLANET IN DEFAULT BLAMES “EARTHGREED”

SPACE STATION MAMMON, March 27, 2059…Plagued by non-performing loans, fund redemptions and collateral calls the planet Gliese 581c edged closer to bankruptcy yesterday.

Trading on the Gliesian “Astral” was halted after it plunged to As11,000 to the dollar on the Near Space Currency Exchange.

Rhapsodia, which is what Gliesians called their planet, B.C. (Before Contact) had been trying to negotiate bridge loans and an extension on payments due, said Chief Monetizer Etaoin Shrdlu, but “our terrestrial counter-parties have turned their backs on us.” He said that Gliese 581c with a mass 1.5 times the size of earth is “too big to fail,” and warned that “unless we receive emergency aid we’ll all be consumed in a financial super nova that will reduce our bi-solar system to a shantytown of barren asteroids.”

In Beijing, Galactic Reserve Bank Chairman Heng Mao agreed that “we cannot easily overcome the gravity of this situation,” but accused Gliese of “gamma ray rhetoric.”

“The Gliesians have created an unsustainable consumer economy based on easy credit, baseless speculation and chaotic deregulation,” Heng said. “To bail them out now would be to throw more money down a black hole.”

The Earth-Gliese Articles of Confederation promise “sempiternal harmony” to the peoples of both planets, but in recent years the union has been shaken by accusations of mismanagement, malfeasance and corruption. This is a tragic development to elderly earth scientists who remember the morning of April 24, 2007 when news came from the La Silla Paranol Observatory in Southern Chile that an exoplanet had been discovered orbiting the red dwarf Gliese about 20.5 light years from earth. To the gleeful astronomers who had been “planet hunting” for years it was a possible kindred spirit in the vast, ever-expanding universe. Orbiting in what they called “the Goldilocks zone,” not too hot or too cold, it had atmospheric conditions that could support life forms similar to earth’ s. The temperature range was between 32 and 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Some computer models posited a rocky, mountainous surface; others detected a “seaworld” of temperate oceans with a profusion of life forms flourishing beneath the surface.

Radio waves were instantly beamed from observatories and satellites all over the planet. For years there was no response, but the scientists persisted. Then on December 24, 2015, a faint wave was received. Some described it as “tentative, almost reluctant.” Later it emerged that the Gliesians, a shy people, had been unnerved by this bombardment of signals, not understanding that there was an intense competition on earth to see who would be the first to communicate with them.

Scientists on both planets worked tirelessly to develop a rudimentary code. A technology was perfected to transmit graphics…then photographs…then videos. Linguistics specialists created a new language and soon the planets were conversing with fluent comprehension.

In those heady days the two planets were exhilarated to learn that they were not alone in the universe. Every bit of information was a revelation. The computer models had been half right. Gliese 581c was half-rock, half-ocean. In grainy images transmitted across 20.5 light years the rock people looked like centaurs, half-being, half-vehicle with bulbous heads and four suction casters for climbing. The sea dwellers were like mermaids, half-being, half-motorized tail. Anthropologists were amazed at how closely they resembled creatures from earthly myths. But some were alarmed. On Fox News Network Bill O’Reilly warned that “these Gliesians obviously visited earth in our prehistory, planted commands in our preconscious minds, and now plan to return to enslave us.”

In spite of their physical differences the Gliesians were a united people. They were stressless and amiable, each group supplying the needs of the other. They had achieved voluntary immortality, controlling their moments of what they called “inception” and “cessation.” Eager to please their new friends on earth they agreed to change the name of their planet to Gliese.

“They live in tranquil cooperation,” Dr. Phil said, and was overheard muttering to an assistant: “if this spreads to earth it will put us all out of business.”

But analysts soon found that there was one area in which the Gliesians were deficient: They had no economy.

“They were less sophisticated than the most primitive village in the Amazon,” says economist Elliot Gruber-Yonge. “They didn’t even understand potlatch.”

“We had been humbled by their superior lifestyle,” adds psychologist Anne Grosspiske. “Now we realized we had something to teach them.”

Economists set to work helping the Gliesians build an economic system.

“First, we created a currency, the astral, which would replace barter and capricious generosity as a way of dispensing and acquiring services ” says Gruber-Yonge. “Then, we encouraged the Gliesians to value their assets. This was tremendously exciting as they realized that some of them owned property that was more valuable than their neighbors.” A flourishing real estate market grew up overnight. Luxurious caves and underwater palaces were built. Earth attorneys helped the Gliesians devise a legal system to enforce contracts and settle disputes.

“The next step was to get the Gliesians to value their own labor,” says Gruber-Yonge. “Many were delighted to see that their skills were worth more than their neighbors.” Compensation schedules were created. An elite separated itself from the mass. Comparative wealth created rich and poor, upper and lower class…” Gruber-Yonge pauses with a reverent look. “It was alike watching the six days of creation.”

The inevitable conflicts of a flourishing economy caused tension and resentment, which the legal system expanded to resolve. Police agencies were created to enforce the laws. Prisons were built.

Meanwhile, bankers on earth created an exchange to trade in Gliesian stocks, property and currency. The Chinese, who had run out of places on earth to invest, were enthusiastic about this new market. Astrals were converted to dollars. Fortunes were made.

“The Gliesians were amazed at how we could create wealth out of thin air,” says Gruber-Yonge. “They formed hundreds of corporations for their new stock exchange. They checked the prices every day. Used their astrals to invest in the earth markets.”

Earth bankers converted stimulus billions into astrals, which they lent to Gliesian monetizers, who then lent them to their fledgling capitalists and returned the interest to earth in the form of astrals, which were quickly converted into dollars. Earth bankers traded astral futures among themselves and made gigantic bets in the Gliesian markets.

“Gliesians were fascinated by the concept of leverage,” Gruber-Yonge says. “To them it was magical. They praised us to the sky.”

With the astral pegged at one to two dollars profits were astronomical.

“In a leveraged developing economy there are no losers,” Gruber-Yonge says. “A fishtail (we called them rockheads and fishtails) borrowed a milliion astrals to build an underwater yo yo factory and sold it for forty million three months later.”

But slowly, imperceptibly a consumer economy took hold.

“Gliesans were purchasing and manufacturing products they didn’t really need,” says Gruber-Yonge ruefully. “They were caught up in a spending and leveraging frenzy. Then, they woke up one morning and there was nothing left to buy.”

With sagging demand factories closed, jobs were lost, loans and mortgages were delinquent. Earth banks began to report losses as Gliesians defaulted. The astral plunged. The dollar was in crisis. The Chinese, enraged that once again their trillion dollar investment had been devalued, called for the creation of “an intergalactic reserve currency that is disconnected from individual planets and remains stable.”

Earth governments intervened and nationalized the banks, wiping out the Gliesian shareholders.

Gliese, faced with massive unemployment, plunging property values and social unrest, appealed to earth.

“Your greed has brought us to the brink of this precipice. You will create more credit for your banks and recover your wealth, but we are ruined.”

And now the Gliesians learned a new economic concept–the write-off. Earth bankers sent their regrets. There was nothing they could do.

This morning in what was described as an energy-saving move, Earth switched off its communication links with Gliese.

As the signal faded, a Gliesian could be heard lamenting:

“We’ll never be able to call ourselves Rhapsodia again.”

Igor Yopsvoyomatsky,
editor-in chief, paranoiaisfact.com
answers readers’ questions.

Dear Igor,

I sell souvenirs to tourists on the Staten Island Ferry and after eight years of Dubya I can’t give America away. Nobody wants Statue of Liberty piggy banks, FBI caps, “Brooklyn Rules” tees…Not even Michael Jackson wind up dolls. People used to be in awe of how cool we were–NYC, DC, the Grand Canyon, Hollywood. Now they come to sneer and feel superior. Our plunging dollar makes us a cheap date. Our leaders get no respect. After Bush trashed the American brand I thought Obama would turn it around, but his novelty has quickly faded and now I’m stuck with a gross of “Yes I Can” hoodies. I’m afraid America will never be cool again. Is this paranoia or fact?
Distressed Peddler
Sunnyside, Queens

Dear Distressed,

This is fact. According to a recent Pew survey,the US ranked 117th on the cool index, right under Tierra Del Fuego. Only Russia, China, the UK and Zimbabwe were considered less cool than the US.

America created the 20th. Century in its own image. Victorious in two wars, innovative in industry and the arts, it was a magnet for the best minds and most energetic workers in the world. Everyone loved Detroit cars, Broadway musicals, Hollywood movies, American cigarettes and Elvis. American Capitalism vanquished Soviet Communism by promising eternal, exponential wealth.

America was cool.

Now the American financial house of cards has collapsed. General Motors is begging Government handouts, Broadway is ruled by British imports, Hollywood is a limping subdivision of bloated conglomerates, the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer and Graceland is controlled by Scientology.

Uncool.

In its ascendancy, the US had the coolest leaders. FDR betrayed his class to bring the US out of the Depression. Harry Truman fired MacArthur and stood up to Stalin. Dwight D. Eisenhower, wartime commander and Five Star General, turned on his brethren to warn about the “Military-Industrial Complex.” JFK, brought hipness, taste and sophistication into the White House and called Krushchev’s bluff in Cuba. Even Lyndon Johnson had the dignity to withdraw from public life when the people rejected him.

Cool.

During its slow decline the US has experienced an unbroken chain of bizarre nonentities. Nixon inexplicably recorded his own incriminating statements; Carter, a peanut farmer with delusions of prophecy, left office with a 19% interest rate; Reagan, an underpaid Warner Bros. contract player, actually believed that the rich would allow a minuscule portion of their wealth to “trickle down” to the working class; Clinton, a glib, small town Lothario, enabled Wall Street to take over the American economy. The Bushes are the greatest argument against ruling class inbreeding since the Hapsburgs. Obama has seen ingratiation turn into antagonism and doesn’t know what to do about it.

Uncool.

American celebrities were the coolest in the world. Could anyone top Marilyn or Einstein (he was a citizen), Astaire, Grace Kelly, Jonas Salk, Jackie O, Brando, Duke Ellington, Broadway Joe–the list is truly endless.

Now you have OJ, MJ, Lindsay Lohan, Elliot Spitzer. You have the dangerous nonentities of reality TV. Sports stars who turn themselves into bionic chimeras with steroids and surgery.

But don’t feel too bad, Distressed. At least you can complain. Three quarters of the world must suffer in silence. They live under the heel of oligarchical thugs who maintain their power by censorship, repression, torture, rape and outright massacre.

Uncool

China hasn’t been cool since Confucius, France since Sartre and Belmondo; the UK since James Bond and he wasn’t even real. Italy has a seventy-three year old President who brags to teenage girls about his sexual prowess. Russia was cool with Rasputin, but Putin poses shirtless like Mr. Universe and Medvedev, the little man who wasn’t there, makes pronouncements that no one hears.

The entire planet is totally, hopelessly…

Uncool.

Sparing no expense in its determination to pique the interest of its demanding, easily distracted readership, the Daily Event has sent reporter Dale Arden hurtling at near light speed–and great personal risk–through a space/time wormhole into the future. This is her first dispatch.

EXOPLANET IN DEFAULT BLAMES “EARTHGREED”

SPACE STATION MAMMON, March 27, 2059…Plagued by non-performing loans, fund redemptions and collateral calls the planet Gliese 581c edged closer to bankruptcy yesterday.

Trading on the Gliesian “Astral” was halted after it plunged to As11,000 to the dollar on the Near Space Currency Exchange.

Rhapsodia, which is what Gliesians called their planet, B.C. (Before Contact) had been trying to negotiate bridge loans and an extension on payments due, said Chief Monetizer Etaoin Shrdlu, but “our terrestrial counter-parties have turned their backs on us.” He said that Gliese 581c with a mass 1.5 times the size of earth is “too big to fail,” and warned that “unless we receive emergency aid we’ll all be consumed in a financial super nova that will reduce our bi-solar system to a shantytown of barren asteroids.”

In Beijing, Galactic Reserve Bank Chairman Heng Mao agreed that “we cannot easily overcome the gravity of this situation,” but accused Gliese of “gamma ray rhetoric.”

“The Gliesians have created an unsustainable consumer economy based on easy credit, baseless speculation and chaotic deregulation,” Heng said. “To bail them out now would be to throw more money down a black hole.”

The Earth-Gliese Articles of Confederation promise “sempiternal harmony” to the peoples of both planets, but in recent years the union has been shaken by accusations of mismanagement, malfeasance and corruption. This is a tragic development to elderly earth scientists who remember the morning of April 24, 2007 when news came from the La Silla Paranol Observatory in Southern Chile that an exoplanet had been discovered orbiting the red dwarf Gliese about 20.5 light years from earth. To the gleeful astronomers who had been “planet hunting” for years it was a possible kindred spirit in the vast, ever-expanding universe. Orbiting in what they called “the Goldilocks zone,” not too hot or too cold, it had atmospheric conditions that could support life forms similar to earth’ s. The temperature range was between 32 and 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Some computer models posited a rocky, mountainous surface; others detected a “seaworld” of temperate oceans with a profusion of life forms flourishing beneath the surface.

Radio waves were instantly beamed from observatories and satellites all over the planet. For years there was no response, but the scientists persisted. Then on December 24, 2015, a faint wave was received. Some described it as “tentative, almost reluctant.” Later it emerged that the Gliesians, a shy people, had been unnerved by this bombardment of signals, not understanding that there was an intense competition on earth to see who would be the first to communicate with them.

Scientists on both planets worked tirelessly to develop a rudimentary code. A technology was perfected to transmit graphics…then photographs…then videos. Linguistics specialists created a new language and soon the planets were conversing with fluent comprehension.

In those heady days the two planets were exhilarated to learn that they were not alone in the universe. Every bit of information was a revelation. The computer models had been half right. Gliese 581c was half-rock, half-ocean. In grainy images transmitted across 20.5 light years the rock people looked like centaurs, half-being, half-vehicle with bulbous heads and four suction casters for climbing. The sea dwellers were like mermaids, half-being, half-motorized tail. Anthropologists were amazed at how closely they resembled creatures from earthly myths. But some were alarmed. On Fox News Network Bill O’Reilly warned that “these Gliesians obviously visited earth in our prehistory, planted commands in our preconscious minds, and now plan to return to enslave us.”

In spite of their physical differences the Gliesians were a united people. They were stressless and amiable, each group supplying the needs of the other. They had achieved voluntary immortality, controlling their moments of what they called “inception” and “cessation.” Eager to please their new friends on earth they agreed to change the name of their planet to Gliese.

“They live in tranquil cooperation,” Dr. Phil said, and was overheard muttering to an assistant: “if this spreads to earth it will put us all out of business.”

But analysts soon found that there was one area in which the Gliesians were deficient: They had no economy.

“They were less sophisticated than the most primitive village in the Amazon,” says economist Elliot Gruber-Yonge. “They didn’t even understand potlatch.”

“We had been humbled by their superior lifestyle,” adds psychologist Anne Grosspiske. “Now we realized we had something to teach them.”

Economists set to work helping the Gliesians build an economic system.

“First, we created a currency, the astral, which would replace barter and capricious generosity as a way of dispensing and acquiring services ” says Gruber-Yonge. “Then, we encouraged the Gliesians to value their assets. This was tremendously exciting as they realized that some of them owned property that was more valuable than their neighbors.” A flourishing real estate market grew up overnight. Luxurious caves and underwater palaces were built. Earth attorneys helped the Gliesians devise a legal system to enforce contracts and settle disputes.

“The next step was to get the Gliesians to value their own labor,” says Gruber-Yonge. “Many were delighted to see that their skills were worth more than their neighbors.” Compensation schedules were created. An elite separated itself from the mass. Comparative wealth created rich and poor, upper and lower class…” Gruber-Yonge pauses with a reverent look. “It was alike watching the six days of creation.”

The inevitable conflicts of a flourishing economy caused tension and resentment, which the legal system expanded to resolve. Police agencies were created to enforce the laws. Prisons were built.

Meanwhile, bankers on earth created an exchange to trade in Gliesian stocks, property and currency. The Chinese, who had run out of places on earth to invest, were enthusiastic about this new market. Astrals were converted to dollars. Fortunes were made.

“The Gliesians were amazed at how we could create wealth out of thin air,” says Gruber-Yonge. “They formed hundreds of corporations for their new stock exchange. They checked the prices every day. Used their astrals to invest in the earth markets.”

Earth bankers converted stimulus billions into astrals, which they lent to Gliesian monetizers, who then lent them to their fledgling capitalists and returned the interest to earth in the form of astrals, which were quickly converted into dollars. Earth bankers traded astral futures among themselves and made gigantic bets in the Gliesian markets.

“Gliesians were fascinated by the concept of leverage,” Gruber-Yonge says. “To them it was magical. They praised us to the sky.”

With the astral pegged at one to two dollars profits were astronomical.

“In a leveraged developing economy there are no losers,” Gruber-Yonge says. “A fishtail (we called them rockheads and fishtails) borrowed a milliion astrals to build an underwater yo yo factory and sold it for forty million three months later.”

But slowly, imperceptibly a consumer economy took hold.

“Gliesans were purchasing and manufacturing products they didn’t really need,” says Gruber-Yonge ruefully. “They were caught up in a spending and leveraging frenzy. Then, they woke up one morning and there was nothing left to buy.”

With sagging demand factories closed, jobs were lost, loans and mortgages were delinquent. Earth banks began to report losses as Gliesians defaulted. The astral plunged. The dollar was in crisis. The Chinese, enraged that once again their trillion dollar investment had been devalued, called for the creation of “an intergalactic reserve currency that is disconnected from individual planets and remains stable.”

Earth governments intervened and nationalized the banks, wiping out the Gliesian shareholders.

Gliese, faced with massive unemployment, plunging property values and social unrest, appealed to earth.

“Your greed has brought us to the brink of this precipice. You will create more credit for your banks and recover your wealth, but we are ruined.”

And now the Gliesians learned a new economic concept–the write-off. Earth bankers sent their regrets. There was nothing they could do.

This morning in what was described as an energy-saving move, Earth switched off its communication links with Gliese.

As the signal faded, a Gliesian could be heard lamenting:

“We’ll never be able to call ourselves Rhapsodia again.”

They are all qiao zong huo fan,” the anonymous author says, using the Chinese term for bridge burners. “They will depart, leaving flames in their wake.”

The report, which was leaked to the Daily Event by officials who prefer to be nameless out of fear of summary execution, analyzed bios and interviews to compile a profile of the typical appointee.

“He or she is addicted to conquest,” the report says.” But once success has been achieved becomes bored and either moves on or self-destructs.”

The author sees Obama’s cabinet as a “snake pit of militant egos,” Three appointees sought the presidential nomination–Clinton, Richardson and Daschle. “Clinton feels great bitterness toward Richardson and Daschle for rejecting her to support Obama. She regards Richardson as an apostate who turned on her after all she and her husband had done for him.

“Richardson for his part, feels that he has not been rewarded for courageously spurning Clinton to support Obama in the early days before the outcome was clear. Every cabinet meeting will sting like a slap in the face as he sees Clinton sitting on the president’s right hand in the job he coveted.”

“Clinton and Richardson will make a public show of working together, but will intrigue against each other in private.”

Daschle, was humiliated by his defeat in 2006 when Democrats were sweeping into office everywhere else. The report says that he he must engineer a major health care initiative to restore his political viability and predicts that his possible opponents in 2016 will try to block him at every turn.

“Competitive people do not give up their dreams,” the author says. “The three who lost still aspire to ultimate power. Secretly they will wish Obama to fail.”

The report predicts that the early days of the new administration will be rife with conflict and controversy. “Each cabinet officer will be given daunting tasks that they will be unable to perform.”

As Secretary of State Clinton will be charged with persuading the Europeans to contribute more troops and money to the War on Terror.

“This they will not do.”

Iran will not swayed from its nuclear path, the report says. “Clinton will try to ignore the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, but a series of attacks and retaliations will force her to engage…and fail.”

The exit from Iraq will be messy. “American troops will fight bloody rear guard actions designed to extract the utmost humiliation.”

Wary of appearing weak Obama will not remove the missile shield in Eastern Europe and Clinton will try to mollify the Russians into accepting it.

“This she will not do,” the report says.

Defense Secretary Gates is a possible Republican contender. He will be looking for a way to maximize his credit while subtly detracting from his possible opponent in 2012. Sensing this, Clinton will try to minimize his influence. “There will be much backstage plotting,” the report predicts..

“After the last American soldier has left, Gates will resign…”

Clinton and new Treasure Secretary Geithner will try to get the Chinese to open their financial markets and let the yuan appreciate.

“This of course, we will not do,” the report says. It concludes that Clinton’s tenure will be dogged by one failure after another that, fearing for her place in history, she will have to find a way to escape. A seat on the Supreme Court might provide a graceful exit.

Attorney-General designee Eric Holder has been chosen to “prevent revenge prosecutions,” the report says. “The left wing of the party will want to indict Cheney and Rumsfeld. It will seek prosecution of high level financial donors. Obama does not want to alienate Republicans by going after Bush war criminals. Holder will hold the fort for Obama’s wealthy patrons as long as he can. He will suffer a great loss of public prestige and will return to his lucrative law practice.”

As Commerce Secretary Richardson will have to create business opportunities in a depressed global economy.

“This he will not do,” he says. “He will be diminished politically.”

Treasury Secretary Geithner will try to find a way to keep taxes and inflation down while Government expenditures soar into the trillions.

“This no one could do.”

Lawrence Summers, Obama’s top economic adviser is “a brilliant careerist, but not an original thinker,” the report says. “Faced by a real unemployment rate of 15% he will be unable to innovate. Watching his fabled reputation wither as the economy languishes he will focus on the job he really wants—Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Current chairman Bernanke, weakened by the crisis, will be easy to topple. Summers will have a job that confers the maximum of prestige with the minimum of thought.”

The report expresses puzzlement that Obama has not chosen loyalists, but “competitive individuals with deep personal agendas.” It asks: “does this show that he is a naive bungler? Or is he brilliantly creating scapegoats for the failures he knows will come?”

It says a deeper analysis of Obama can be delayed in the short term. Given the turmoil in the US, China’s future is not threatened.

“If we control dissent, stifle protests among migrant workers and farmers and keep the yuan artificially low we will continue to prosper. The US will not stop us.”

Dear Igor,

My Western Civ. prof, Leon Notsky says Obama is not the saviour we have been hoping for, but just a counter swing in the dialectical pendulum from right to left. He says nothing will change in Washington but the faces. Is this paranoia or fact?

Hopeful,

Berkley, CA

Dear Hopeful,

This is fact. Obama can revive America, but cannot save it.

But first a little background. In the Book of Judges the Hebrews, chafing against rigid divine rule, appeal to the aging prophet Samuel: “Make us a king to judge us like all the other nations.”

God punishes the Hebrews for rejecting him by granting their request. He plucks Saul, a clumsy, unlettered peasant from the ranks and elevates him to kingship. And thus the “charismatic Ruler,” the tragic figure that has haunted history, is born.

At first, Saul is a hero, uniting the tribes and leading them to victory. But he proves unable to control his pillaging troops. And later cannot master his homicidal jealousy of the young David. The people lose faith. Even his own son turns against him. In desperation he turns to witchcraft. A sorceress summons the ghost of Samuel, who predicts Saul’s downfall. The next day he is killed in battle.

This is the paradigm of the rise and fall of the Ruler. It continues through the Bible and into recorded history in the stories of the Roman Emperors, the kings of Europe, the Czars, and Napoleons; the totalitarian cult figures of the 20th Century; the demagogues of bourgeois Democracy. The people, unwilling to assume responsibility for themselves, rush to surrender their autonomy to the charismatic one. At first he (or occasionally she) is a hero, bringing triumph, wealth and national pride. But inevitably the Ruler becomes mired in the swamp of daily rule; the rise of an oppressive bureaucracy, the petty squabbles and intrigues of the courtier class. As the Ruler’s power grows so does the resentment against it. Sensing that it has lost the faith of the ruled, the Ruler strengthens its power over them. It oppresses dissidents, rewards favorites, encourages corruption and deceit, plays off competing cliques. In the end, nothing avails and the Ruler is discredited or overthrown.

Obama has studied history. He knows how charismatic Rulers crash and burn. He was a cautious child, treading carefully through an alien society. His rule will be circumspect. He has sought to dampen messianic expectations, backtracked on some of his promises, warned that tough times lie ahead. His administration will be lullingly familiar. We will have Clinton, Gates, Summers, Holder, etc.—familiar faces from previous controversies of arrogance, lost opportunities and abused power.

But as cautious as he is, Obama will be beset by the parasites on the body politic.

The bankers and CEOs who believe that they are the victims of the crisis they caused and will oppose any attempt to curb their wealth or influence.

The oil companies who profit from waste, pollution and over consumption.

The racists who will seek to undermine with rumor and innuendo.

The hypocritical radicals who will condemn him for not leading a revolution that they secretly do not desire.

The sub- cultures—abortion crusaders, animal rights zealots, gay marriage advocates, gun owners, BCS critics, etc., who will judge him through the monochrome prism of their single issue.

The Chinese, who have declared economic and cyber war on the US.

The Russians whose suicidal bravado will increase as their power declines.

The Europeans whose anti-American schadenfreude is so intense they act against their own interests to confirm it.

The runaway media that is increasingly addicted to scandal and exaggeration.

A popular culture that encourages self-pity, greed, over-indulgence and outright stupidity.

On Election Day America gave itself a reprieve. If the world does not change the fault will not be with Obama but with ourselves.

But at least we will live to be discontented another day.

“To change,” people shouted, raising their glasses.

“To peace.”

This was too much for Ivan Yopsvoyomatsky, recent immigrant from Pinsk and senior scholar at the Greezhnizihd Think Tank.

“Peace?…PFUI!”

Rising quickly from a stool he had occupied for two days, blood rushing to an unfamiliar location–his head–he faced the crowd with fine Slavic disdain.

“You pathetic puppets of Capitalism,” he sputtered. “Peace is when the ruling class has its foot on your neck and its hand in your pocket. Twenty-eight years with Reagan, Bush the Father, your precious Clinton and Bush, the Simple Son was peace…The Russians got rich, the Chinese richer with American corporate help and against the interests of American workers and consumers…Now that Obama has been elected get ready for total war.”

A waitress pushed a plate of piroshki across the bar. “Eat something Ivan…”

Yopsvoyomatsky sent it flying. “I haven’t finished my salad yet,” he said, dipping a cucumber in a glass of Popov vodka.

There was muttering in the cowed crowd. Finally, they pushed a young blonde in Uggies and a tight leather skirt forward for a timid challenge.

“But the world has welcomed Obama,” she said, cringing.

Yopsvoyomatsky leered and beckoned. “My dear you are victim of noble blowjob… I mean global snowjob. World leaders are quaking in their boots…”

“Bloggers in China went crazy,” someone hollered from in back. “One guy said this proved that America was a great Democracy and China was a one party oppressive dictatorship.”

“Doorak,” Yopsvoyomasky boomed. “How do you think Hu Jintao felt when he read that? With China wheezing from pollution, puking from poisoned food, factories closing from financial crisis, people oppressed from internet crackdown, does he need proof that America is closest thing to real proletarian power?” He stroked the blonde under her chin. “I promise you, dooshenkya in party meetings they are talking about one thing only: how can we defeat this upstart Obama?

“But they are a great economic power, aren’t they?” the blonde asked, gaining confidence.

Yopsvoyomatsky smiled indulgently. “From slave labor, my dear. They make your underwear cheaper. Later we will see if your panties were made in Guangdong. But now you must understand that when Obama calls for tougher environmental and labor regulations they see their costs going up and their competitiveness coming down. When he promises to award tax breaks to companies that keep jobs in the US they say the dirty word: protectionism. They know that US market powers their economies. Without help from Bush and American financial interests to keep their yen low and their labor costs lower they will go broke…”

” Obama restored the American image in Europe,” a young man with a German accent said.

“You mean old, decadent, zero population growth Europe?” Yopsvoyomatsky sneered. “How many black faces in English House of Commons? Mostly flushed, overfed, flatulent whites enjoying their squeals of indignation while country’s business is done by MI6…French don’t allow headscarves in public schools…Turks are second-class citizens in Germany, even after three generations in residence. Do you think they want mixed race underclass to embrace electoral politics…?”

Several people finished their drinks and slipped out onto the rainy streets.

“Bush brought us to the brink with Russia,” a voice piped up. “They must be happy to see Obama…”

“Melancholic is closest Russians come to happy,” Yopsvoyomatsky said. “Russians follow Stalinist doctrine of probe with bayonet. Medvedev, latest in long line of metrically challenged rulers, climbs up on two Moscow phone books so he can see over lectern and makes hollow threat to put Iskander missiles in Kalingrad to counter US missile defense. Iskanders have range of 175 miles when they are working. They might land in a barnyard in Poland and kill a few chickens…”

“Russia must be dealt with,” a pale man young man said in a quavering voice said and ducked behind a pillar as Yopsvoyomatsky loomed over him.

“Russia is a gas station with a broken pump,” he roared. “A tavern with drunks snoring through frozen snot. Their market has lost 50% in value. The oligarchs, who grease their corrupt machine are broke. They have to kill a journalist a week just to stay in power…”

Sighing heavily, more people shrugged into their coats and left.

“Obama will bring peace to the Middle East,” a swarthy young man shouted angrily.

“Peace can only be made by people who are fighting each other,” Yopsvoyomatsky countered.

“People in the Middle-East have great hope for Obama.”

“Not Iranian daily Jamhou-ye Eslami,” Yopsvoyomatsky said. “They say: The most that black man can do is replace staff and change ceremony…He will never change capitalist, Zionist, racist structure of American regime.

Saudi daily Al Wotan says: There is no difference between McCain and Obama. Both mean to achieve America’s chief goal which is to rule for a hundred years…”

“But Bush favored Israel and that got us nowhere.”

“Nowhere is obviously where they want to be,” Yopsvoyomatsky said. “Jordan and Egypt do not want Palestinian theocracy funded by Iran on their borders. Lebanese do not want more power to Hezbollah allies. Anyway, Obama will be busy with economic crisis. Israelis and Palestinians will have to sit on back burner for years. They might do something sensational like a war of a terror attack to refocus the world’s attention…”

Most of the revelers had slunk away, leaving a few brooding in their cups. One man paused at the door.

“So there is no hope,” he said

“When does hope last more than a day?” Yopsvoyomatsky said. “The power of the status quo will be arrayed against Obama…Maybe he will prevail…”

He looked around the empty room with satisfaction. “Looks like the party is over,” he said to the blonde. “Want a cucumber?”

China has committed the lives and the blood of its people to proving that the Communist system is superior.

And the people better step up…Or else.

This was brought home yesterday when Chinese President Hu Jintao took time out from suppressing the protests of the families whose children had died in the earthquake, to pay an “informal” visit to the basketball training facility.

Yao, who suffered a fractured foot that kept him out of the last half of the NBA season was on the sidelines with an ice bag when Hu and his entourage swept in.

“The whole people of China have been worried about your foot,” Hu said. “How are you recovering?”

Yao leapt to his feet. “I’m okay,” he said, grimacing.

Later Hu faced the media with his photo op smile.

“All the country’s people fervently look forward to a splendid Olympics,” he declared. His smile faded, replaced by the steely-eyed look of the autocrat of all bureaucrats. “And they fervently look forward to the Chinese team achieving good results.”

Which translated means Yao better be ready for the opening tip, even if he has to run the pick and roll on crutches.

In elaborate band playing, banner waving introductory ceremonies in Beijing, Yao and star sprinter Liu Xiang faced the Chinese flag and pledged to “serve and sacrifice for the motherland.”

China is fielding the largest squad in the history of the Olympics. Its delegation numbers 1,099, among them 38 foreign coaches. The 639 athletes outnumber arch rival USA’s 596 athlete contingent.
China came in third in Athens 2004, behind Russia and the US, winning 62 medals, 32 gold. But home team advantage and an unprecedented training campaign have propelled it to favorite status in many events.

The number-obsessed Chinese delegation will tell you that over the course of history Chinese athletes have won 1317 gold medals and set 1026 world records. But China-watchers say this Olympics is about more than gold medals.

“This is a battle for history,” says political analyst Igor Yopsvoyomatsky. “It is to decide which is better–corrupt, indulgent Capitalism or disciplined, self-sacrificing Communism.”

He compares Beijing 2008 to Nuremberg 1936. “There the Nazis tried to prove their system was superior with best athletes, best facilities, best marching bands, even best-looking film maker Leni Riefenstahl. Here Chinese want to show that Communist police state is best system for producing athletic excellence, personal heroism, social tranquility, consumer ecstasy, even individual happiness.”

China was awarded the games in 1990 at a low point in its modern history. The Tiananmen Square massacre, in which Chinese troops had fired on unarmed protesters, had occurred a year before.

“It was like Chinese fable, The Emperor’s new Clothes,” Yopsvoyomatsky says. “The so-called reform movement was exposed as same Maoist police state.”

Desperate to improve its image China intrigued to get the 2008 Olympics.

“How could world award games to country that was killing and torturing its citizens?” Yopsvoyomatsky asks. “This is question to ask opaque IOC.”

Once achieved the Chinese set out to make 2008 the greatest Olympics in history.

“The Chinese are gamblers,” says Yopsvoyomatsky. “They have gone all in on this Olympics. “They have to deliver clean air, beautiful facilities, pomp and splendor, great hospitality and dramatic victories.”

But they know only one way to accomplish this goal, he says…Control.

“Control all variables. Put 100,000 police on 24-7 duty. Set up check points. Put Ughurs in jail. Put in visa restrictions. Close night clubs. Control every aspect of athlete’s lives. Punish dissenters. shut down web sites. Ruthlessly oversee their delegation.”

Yopsvoyomatsky cites the example of the caterer who mistakenly put “Peking Dog” on the Olympic menu.

“He was thrown into a pit of starving Dobermans ,” Yopsvoyomatsky says.

Now that Russia has degenerated into a “thugocracy” China carries the spear for the Revolution, Yopsvoyomatsky says.

“Hu sees himself as a servant of history. During the day he can bully Yao, but at night Karl Marx appears in his dreams, waves an ink-stained finger and says: History fervently looks forward to a Chinese victory.”

Some athletes complained of fatigue and illness in their training sessions, while others said they had become disoriented in the fogs of smog that hang over the Imperial City. The American boxing team said they had returned from a morning run with “burning eyes, coughing, and breathing difficulties.” Mountain biker Jeremy Horgan-Kobeleski said his “body had shut down” midway in a 30 mile race and he had to pull over to vomit.

“This was another sign of Western softness and decadence,” said Chiang Re Kong of the Chinese Health Ministry, an inhaler clenched defiantly between his teeth. “We thrive in these conditions.”

Still, in deference to the weak occidental athletes, emergency regulations were instituted. Automobile traffic was halved in downtown Beijing. Factories were told to suspend production until the end of September. Algae blooms caused by untreated sewage were cleared off the sailing venue. Chemical spills and toxic runoff were cleansed from the canoe and kayak runs.

But air and water quality remained poor, Re Kong admits, so the People’s Republic took Draconian measures.

Beijing residents were told to hold their breaths for two minutes every hour to minimize the amount of carbon dioxide released into the air.

“Infants, the elderly and the terminally ill were excused of course,” Re Kong said, hastily.

When that didn’t work the billion plus population of China was ordered to fast one day a week.

“Zero rice consumption will reduce the amount of methane released into the air by flatulence,” Re Kong explained. “Also, those who do not eat cannot produce body waste to pollute waterways.”

The Western media immediately dubbed this “fartless Friday.” Infants, the elderly and Government officials were exempted from the order.

But still, pollution levels remained stubbornly high and more athletes announced that they were dropping out.

“We had hoped Beijing would be the scene of many world records,” Re Kong said. “Now we just want people to show up.”

In a quandary, the Chinese came up with a brilliant solution.

“If we cannot set a world record for the fastest time we will reward the slowest with a special medal,” said Dr Booxi Xixun, of the Ministry of Information, said at a press conference today.

His voice muffled by a reinforced surgical mask, made exclusively for Communist Party members, Dr. Xixun declared that “winning and record setting are merely symptoms of bourgeois elitism,” and claimed to be offering ” a truly Zen exercise for all competitive people who drive themselves to win at all costs.”

” We are encouraging athletes to go for their Personal Worst,” he said. “The five minute pollution-assisted mile. The ten pound clean and jerk.”

“We will bring a whole new class of athletes into prominence,” he said. ” The pole vault bar will be set so low you will have to do the limbo to qualify. The also-ran and the under-achiever will finally have their day.”

Bookmakers quickly established a “loser line” for all the events. An early favorite in the marathon was Margaret Hagerty, an 85 year old North Carolinian. She is the oldest woman to run in marathons on all seven continents, including Antarctica, but has never won a medal.

Other favorites are the Micronesian basketball team and the Samoan sprinters.

Wiping a soot smudge off his forehead, Dr. Xixun declared that “the Beijing Olympics will be truly historic.”

The announcement last month that Indian movie mogul Anil Ambani, Chairman of Reliance Big Entertainment, had closed billion dollar production deals with Hollywood A-listers like Stephen Spielberg, George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt and Jim Carrey was proof to Efraim Durg that India is now officially the coolest country in the world.

“It’s the culture, stupid,” says Durg, owner of the Delhi Deli in the Greenpoint section of Brooklyn. “Indian movies, art, literature are taking over. American culture hustlers are jumping on the juggernaut which is an Indian word by the way.”

Durg points to the significant investments that Hollywood is making in the Indian culture industry. Disney recently bought a 33% stake in Indian television company UTV and is partnering with producer Yosh Chopra to make animation features for the Indian market. Sony has invested 250 million in production company Pritish Nandy Communications and Warners is co-producing an Indian feature called “Chadni Chowk to China.”

Ambani emphasized that he would not try to influence the movies that his American partners made and advertising exec Pradcon Joshi added that “there will be no creative interference.”

But Durg scoffed at these assurances. “Culture spreads like a virus. Clooney and Pitt are already working on Ganges 14. Spielberg’s next project is Indiana Jones and the Search for the Sacred Cow Pie”

Durg says America’s days as a cultural superpower are over. “We were Number One during World War II with Coca Cola, nylon stockings and Benny Goodman. Nobody could touch us in the ’50′s when we were selling Marilyn, Elvis and tail fins. In the ’60′s we had Sinatra and the Rat Pack , JFK and Jackie ruled the world from Camelot…” Durg gets a wistful look. “Everybody wanted to know what we were up to in those days. ” He shakes his head in sorrow. “But then we had Vietnam and urban riots and the Weathermen. Assassinations, man–JFK, MLK, RFK, Malcolm X– really cut into our lead. We gained back some ground with Motown and Disco, but then the BIble Bangers, Falwell and Robertson– took over and we were toast. The 2000 election and Guantanamo sealed the deal. We just ain’t cool anymore, end of story.”

Other nations have rushed to fill the coolness vacuum, Durg says, but he’s not impressed.

“Russia is has a bully culture,” he says. “Do what I want or I’ll turn off your oil. That’s clumsy. The Russians gave this ex KGB spook some kinda nuclear poison to make him glow in the dark. They killed a reporter because she busted them for torture in Chechnya…Very uncool…”

China, the country in which the compass, the printing press, paper, gunpowder and noodles were all invented in the space of a century, is trying to recapture it former glory. Some of the world’s most prominent architects and urban planners have turned the skyline of Beijing into a modernist sketchpad with the Water Cube, the Olympic swimming center, whose walls glow blue in the dark, the National Stadium and the Chinese Central Television Tower designed by Rem Koolhaas. The city is full of modern art galleries. Avant garde music is played in the hippest clubs. There’s a four star restaurant on every corner…

“They do all this great stuff,” Durg says. “But then they execute a guy for bouncing his rent check…Very uncool…”

“India has a caste system and it’s messed up in Kashmir,” Durg says. “It has separatist movements in the northeast. There’s even rebel tribesmen shooting at cops with bows and arrows in Assam, which is kind of cool– if you’re not a cop…With all this going on it’s a real democracy so you know it’ll keep growing.”

Durg is going into the Indian business in a big way. He’s planning to run elephant rides through Central Park in the fall. He already has five Delhi Deli franchises and more being sold every day. As his pots gurgled releasing a cloud of curry, Durg pointed to an eighteen wheeler parked outside. “Know what’s in there? 33 tons of garlic nan and that won’t get us through the weekend.”

He offered this bit of advice to entrepreneurs. “Take your Nehru jacket out of the closet, trade your guitar for a sitar and buy yourself a white heifer, bro. Lord Vishnu is coming across the Williamsburg Bridge.”