JERUSALEM, Nov. 11…Greek Orthodox prelates today demanded that the Armenian side stop declaring victory in yesterday’s brawl  at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. 

“Video review will clearly show that the Armenians committed a flagrant foul,” a Greek official said, “and thus should be red carded according to the laws of God and man.”

“Replay will show that the Greeks were offside,” an Armenian priest retorted.

The church, in Jerusalem’s Old City,  houses six different Christian churches, who often fight over home field advantage.

Yesterday’s brawl erupted when the Armenian side staged a procession to commemorate the fourth-century discovery of a cross, believed to have been used in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The Greeks, demanding to be included in the celebration, sent their star sweeper into the Edicule, the structure which houses the cross and is built over what is believed to be Jesus’s tomb. The Armenians claimed that the Greeks had too many monks on the field and had sneaked a ringer in from out of bounds. They insisted this was their holiday and the Greeks vacate the Edicule. The Greeks refused and blocked the Armenian advance at midstreet. In a moment both pews had emptied. Monks were pulling beards and flailing at each other with censers and scepters.

“This is an unpardonable innovation,” Greek Patriarch Theofilus III said.

“The Greeks have created a new conflict,” said Armenian patriarch Father Pagrat. 

Serafim, a Greek monk, claimed that an Armenian struck him from behind. “They broke the lens of my glasses and gave me a bloody scratch,” he said. “I am feeling dizzy for hours…”

Israeli police, blowing their whistles, intervened and ejected Serafim and a brawny, bearded Armenian monk. They were then attacked by monks wielding stale fronds left over from another Greek-Armenian melee on Palm Sunday. 

Suddenly, a monk came running out of the Edicule brandishing a splintered board. 

“He has a piece of the cross,” several priests cried in alarm.

When calm had been restored it turned out to be the rung of a ladder that the Turks had put up in the 19th century while attempting to build a fire exit in the Edicule to conform to safety regulations issued by the Ottoman Empire, which have still not been implemented.

POPE AND IMAM TRADE ‘YO MAMA’ SNAPS 

VATICAN CITY, Nov. 11…A three day conference, which ended last week, produced a rare display of harmony between Catholic clergy and Islamic scholars. Pope Benedict  XVI told participants he had followed “the progress” of the talks closely and urged the delegates to “overcome all misunderstandings and disagreements.”

In this ecumenical spirit Imam Adsan Tair rose to say he hoped the Pope would now apologize for remarks he made in 2006, that  Muhammad had only brought “evil and inhuman things” into the world, such as his “command to spread by the sword the faith that he preached.” 

With a sweet smile Benedict said he would be glad to if his “honored” guest would admit that in Saudi Arabia non-Muslims could not worship in public and faced death if they converted.

With their delegations forming behind them, the Pope and the Imam faced off in the middle of the Apostolic Palace.

“Yo mama was so ugly she died a virgin,” the Imam hissed.

“Yo mama was so ugly she could go three days on the desert without food or water,” the Pope responded.

As his followers egged him on the Imam thought for a moment. Then:

“Yo Mama was so ugly she had to live in a manger,” he shouted.

The mullahs howled and ululated.

Benedict and his crew regrouped. Then shot back:

“Yo Mama was so fat they called her Fatima”

The papal delegation cheered and hi-fived.

And theologians on both sides hurried to the holy texts for more citations.

JEWS TO MORMONS:
THANKS BUT NO THANKS

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah, Nov. 11…There are 12.6  million Mormons in the world, about half living in the US.  But if the church has its way there will soon be millions more. 

And a lot of them will be Jews.

Mormons have been quietly baptizing dead Jews for years. They do it out of love, they claim.

“Baptism by water is necessary ordinance for people to return to God,” the Mormon Guide to the Scriptures says. “Baptism for the dead in Mormon temples gives those who would have embraced Christ and His Church the opportunity to do so after death.”

According to Frontline, the Mormons maintain extensive genealogical records at Granite Mountain Records Vault, a climate-controlled repository designed to withstand nuclear attack, in the Wasatch Mountains, 20 miles southeast of Salt Lake City. They have compiled 2.4 million rolls of microfilm containing 2 billion names, all of whom they mean to baptize. 

The process went on quietly for years with living Mormons standing in for the ones to be baptized and immersing themselves in the baptismal fount. In the 90′s however it was discovered that Mormons had submitted the names of 380,000 Holocaust victims for baptism.

“We do not ask for or want your love,” said Ernest Michel, honorary chairman of American Gathering of Holocaust Survivors. “We ask you to respect our religion as we respect yours.”

  Mormons agreed to remove those names and other Jews as well who were not related to Mormons. But the practice has continued. Mormons believe that is unfair  to deny” salvation” to  those who died without being taught the Gospel. Elder Mark E. Peterson says posthumous baptism gives them a chance to be “saved in the presence of God.

“We baptized Sigmund Freud,” a Mormon cleric says. “Now in the afterlife he has decided that sex with teenaged girls is not neurotic after all…Karl Marx has renounced communism  Albert Einstein understands that e=mc2 only by the grace of the Angel Moroni. 

“They’re all good Mormons now.”

Dear Igor,

Ahmed, my IT consultant, tells me that Jewish settlers are sending herds of wild pigs into Muslim East Jerusalem to terrorize the population and drive them from their homes. Is this Paranoia or Fact?
Arthur Treifler
Jambonia, Ohio

Dear Mr. Treifler,

This is fact.

But first a little background. The pig is an unclean animal to both Hebrews and Muslims, and has thus been a potent psychological weapon in their millennial struggle for control of Jerusalem. As far back as 586 BC it was a tradition for every conqueror of Jerusalem to let pigs rut among the sacred scrolls and artifacts of Solomon’s Temple. In 170 BC when the Seleucid King Antiochus Epiphanes put down the revolt of the Maccabees, he slaughtered a wild boar on the altar of the temple and demanded that the Hebrew soldiers eat it. They refused to do so without duck sauce and he had their hands, feet and tongues chopped off; then he scalped them and burnt them alive. In 70 AD, Roman soldiers besieging the fort of Masada during The Second Jewish Revolt roasted pigs on the backs of their catapults in history’s first recorded tailgate party. Driven mad by the smell of forbidden barbecue the starving Zealots committed mass suicide.

Muslims, too, have been victimized by what is known by scholars as The Porcine Paradox. The Koran states that Shaidi (jihadi martyrs) will ascend to paradise as soon as they have completed their task. But no Muslim who has any contact with a pig will be allowed through the gates of heaven.

As the ultimate insult, Russian troops wrapped the bodies of the Chechen rebels slain in the 2004 Beslan hostage crisis in pig skins.

In 1911, American General John “Black Jack” Pershing was fighting a force of juramentados or Moro Muslim rebels in the Phillippines. Informed of their pig taboo, he buried their dead in mass graves next to the carcasses of slaughtered pigs. Then, he beheaded the Moro leaders and wrapped the severed heads in pig skins, which he displayed on pikes outside his headquarters. Fearing for their souls many of the juramentados withdrew from the battle. But they were speedily replaced by a force known as amucks who didn’t care what happened to them as long as they killed some Yanquis.

Pig references abound in contemporary Muslim journalism. In an instructional DVD that has just gone platinum in the Arab world Jews are referred to a “sons of pigs and monkeys.”

Jews are also forbidden to have any contact with pigs. But an obscure cult known as the Chazerim has received a Kabbalistic dispensation from Madonna and Posh Spice, and has begun sneaking pigs into East Jerusalem.

They arrive early in the morning with the pigs hidden in minivans. With their long black coats, sidelocks and high fur hats they blend in easily with the Arab population. At nightfall they open their tailgates and the pigs running squealing down the narrow, winding streets, desecrating everything they touch. The residents must perform complicated rituals to cleanse themselves and their possessions.

Because of the prohibition against contact with pigs the East Jerusalemites have been unable to retaliate in kind against the equally porcinophobic Jews. Instead, they have sent crazed bulldozer drivers and female suicide bombers into West Jerusalem to terrorize the population and drive them from their homes.