Igor Yopsvoyomatsky

answers reader’s questions.

Dear Igor,
Dr. Zeesebrot, my bariatric surgeon, tells me that the oil companies created the obesity epidemic in this country. Is this paranoia or fact?
Gordito Colon,
Ilium, N. Dak.

Dear Gordito,

This is fact.

A study released last week by the CDC (Center for Disease Control) showed that 25.6% of the US population was obese, while up to 37% were grossly overweight.

This means that almost two out of three Americans cannot fit behind the wheel of an economy car and must continue to drive gas guzzling SUV’s.

The US has the lowest average fuel economy and the highest rate of obesity among the developed nations.

People are getting fatter and oil prices are going up.

This is not an accident.

In the wake of the Yom Kippur-Ramadan war of 1973, the Arab states declared an oil embargo to punish the United States for supplying arms and spare airplane parts to the Israelis. For months there were long lines at the pumps. Soon gasoline was not only expensive, it was unavailable. The price of oil shrank to $10 a barrel. The embargo had backfired.

The anti-Arab backlash spread to Congress. Weathervane politicians cried out for “energy independence.” Congress enacted CAFE (Corporate Average Fuel Economy) mandating minimum mileage standards for all automobiles sold in the US. Lobbyists managed to exempt pick ups and SUV’s, but the writing was on the wall: Detroit would have to build smaller, more economical cars. Oil companies would sell less gasoline.

Fat cat propagandists sprang into action. The Heartland Institute (funded by Exxon) and the Bradley Foundation (funded by Coors Beer) declared that smaller cars were more likely to be damaged in collisions, causing insurance premiums to increase. Both conclusions were contradicted by Government actuaries.

In a panic the Elders of Petroleum called a secret meeting. How could they stifle this sudden urge for conservation? They sat in stymied silence until a room service waiter piped up timidly:

“If the cars are getting smaller, why not make the people bigger?”

That was it!

“Brilliant!” they cried.

The waiter was immediately defenestrated to assure his silence.

A secret protocol was issued, creating an operation code-named “Strasbourg” for the geese that are force fed to produce foie gras.

“In order to expand the market for petroleum and its derivatives we will expand the waistlines of the American consumer,” the mission statement declared.

The best brains in the American universities were given research grants to come up with ideas.

The microwave oven, neglected since its invention in 1945, was put on a fast track for consumer use. Up until this point food preparation had involved calorie-burning effort. But the microwave allowed people to cook more food quicker and with less effort. According to British scientist, Dr. Jane Wardle: “the obesity epidemic began with the invention of the home microwave oven.”

Fast food franchises proliferated. Ranchers and farmers were paid huge subsidies to keep food prices down so the burgers and fries could be sold cheaply.

Children’s meals were insidiously larded to generate fat cells in the growing tots that would genetically lock in obesity even if they tried to diet in later life.

There was a “dopey me moment” in the scientific community when it was discovered that it took more energy to move greater weight.

A senior researcher, who preferred to be nameless for fear of retribution from diabetics, cardiac patients and sex-starved flabbies developed a “fat/fuel” metric in which he could neutralize every gain in fuel economy with a corresponding gain in consumer weight.

“Simply stated it means that a hundred and fifty pound man will burn one gallon of fuel for every thirty miles traveled, while a three hundred pound man will burn not two but three gallons,” said the researcher. And then gloated: “Even in a Prius…”

Airlines have found that the combined weight of their passengers is now so great they have to stop in Cincinnati to refuel.

Studies show a statistical correlation between the profits of the oil companies (Exxon alone made 51 billion this quarter) and the rise in the rate of diabetes.

“Let ‘em increase gas mileage,” the anonymous researcher told me. “We’ll just throw another slab of cheese on the Happy Meal.:.”