Dear Igor,

I live two exits down Interstate 75 from Gainesville, Florida where that pastor says he’s going to burn the Koran. I don’t mind telling you I’m afraid for my life. My cousin Fred says the Muslims will declare southern Florida Dar al Harb, House of War, and will call the faithful to jihad against us. Fred says that General Petraeus over in Kabul gave the secret signal when he said the Koran burning would cause more troops to lose their lives. Fred says Petraeus is a Muslim agent who sends our boys into ambushes with orders not to shoot back. He says I better haul ass before the suicide bombings start. Is this paranoia or fact?

Petrified,

Culo Raton, Florida.

Dear Petrified,

This is paranoia. The only jihad here is being waged by the mass media–and your Cousin Fred– against your mind.

Let’s look at the facts: An obscure pastor from an unaffiliated fundamentalist church, which claims 50 congregants, announces “Burn a Koran Day.” Does this call resonate? Not yet. As of Tuesday, after weeks of torrential coverage, Reverend Terry Jones had 8,663 friends on Facebook. Lady Gaga has over fourteen million.

Reverend Jones puts up signs on his balding lawn reading “Islam Is The Devil.” Do similar signs sprout up? No. Gainesville is preoccupied with its Downtown Arts Show; the town is buzzing about the start of the Florida Gators football season.

But does this non-event fizzle out? Does Pastor Jones give his party and nobody comes? No again. The ice cream Jesus may be melting in his backyard, but people are lining up in the alternate universe anxious for an invite. Everybody–from the Taliban to President Obama–wants to dance with this new star.

We live in an inverted era. In the past people made the news. Now news makes the people. Never mind that nothing is actually happening. The monomaniacs who have seized power over our lives see this as another opportunity to burnish their tarnished images–flog their flagging agendas.

So New York Mayor Bloomberg, trounced for his ringing support of the Ground Zero Mosque, now acknowledges Jones’s “Constitutional right” to burn the Koran. The man who thwarted free speech by outspending or simply bribing anyone who might oppose him now presents himself as a defender of the First Amendment.

President Obama, who dilutes the power of the Presidency with every quixotic attempt to assert it now urges Reverend Jones to listen to his “good angels.” Does he really think the good Reverend will pay heed to the son of a Muslim?

From his fastness in Kabul General David Petraeus warns the Koran burning will put American lives in jeopardy. Petraeus, the pushup champion of the Pentagon, is celebrated for his counter-insurgency doctrine of “nation-building.” He coined the dictum, “money is ammunition,” and advocates the use of discretionary funds to win the confidence of the indigenous population. In other words, bribe them into not shooting at us.

In the mysterious process of military advancement Petraeus achieved the rank of Major General and commanded the fabled 101st. airborne without ever seeing combat. He is credited with stabilizing the Iraqi city of Mosul, although the majority Kurdish population were strongly pro-American and it took several prolonged operations by Infantry brigades to kill and capture insurgents. Since taking over command in Afghanistan from General Stanley McChrystal, who won the sack race three years in a row at the Joint Chiefs of Staff Potomac Picnic, he has emphasized the need to minimize civilian casualties; although without uniforms everyone is officially a civilian. His Rules of Engagement require troops to identify targets as “combatants” before firing. In other words, eliminate the element of surprise or force protection in combat operations.

The Petraeus Doctrine doesn’t work in Afghanistan. The Taliban are incorruptible, which in the Middle East means they make more money shaking down opium smugglers than the American taxpayer can give them. So Petraeus is looking for someone to blame. First, he tried the Israelis, saying their intransigence, was turning the Muslim world against the US. But when nobody saluted he ran that down the flagpole. Now he has decided to blame an eccentric with no popular support.

On second thought, maybe you should start packing. With all the hysteria that our responsible leaders and our free press have whipped up, Terry Jones might end up with as many friends as Lady Gaga. And then you can bet somebody will decide to do something crazy.

Stay safe,

Igor

JERUSALEM, Nov. 11…Greek Orthodox prelates today demanded that the Armenian side stop declaring victory in yesterday’s brawl  at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. 

“Video review will clearly show that the Armenians committed a flagrant foul,” a Greek official said, “and thus should be red carded according to the laws of God and man.”

“Replay will show that the Greeks were offside,” an Armenian priest retorted.

The church, in Jerusalem’s Old City,  houses six different Christian churches, who often fight over home field advantage.

Yesterday’s brawl erupted when the Armenian side staged a procession to commemorate the fourth-century discovery of a cross, believed to have been used in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The Greeks, demanding to be included in the celebration, sent their star sweeper into the Edicule, the structure which houses the cross and is built over what is believed to be Jesus’s tomb. The Armenians claimed that the Greeks had too many monks on the field and had sneaked a ringer in from out of bounds. They insisted this was their holiday and the Greeks vacate the Edicule. The Greeks refused and blocked the Armenian advance at midstreet. In a moment both pews had emptied. Monks were pulling beards and flailing at each other with censers and scepters.

“This is an unpardonable innovation,” Greek Patriarch Theofilus III said.

“The Greeks have created a new conflict,” said Armenian patriarch Father Pagrat. 

Serafim, a Greek monk, claimed that an Armenian struck him from behind. “They broke the lens of my glasses and gave me a bloody scratch,” he said. “I am feeling dizzy for hours…”

Israeli police, blowing their whistles, intervened and ejected Serafim and a brawny, bearded Armenian monk. They were then attacked by monks wielding stale fronds left over from another Greek-Armenian melee on Palm Sunday. 

Suddenly, a monk came running out of the Edicule brandishing a splintered board. 

“He has a piece of the cross,” several priests cried in alarm.

When calm had been restored it turned out to be the rung of a ladder that the Turks had put up in the 19th century while attempting to build a fire exit in the Edicule to conform to safety regulations issued by the Ottoman Empire, which have still not been implemented.

POPE AND IMAM TRADE ‘YO MAMA’ SNAPS 

VATICAN CITY, Nov. 11…A three day conference, which ended last week, produced a rare display of harmony between Catholic clergy and Islamic scholars. Pope Benedict  XVI told participants he had followed “the progress” of the talks closely and urged the delegates to “overcome all misunderstandings and disagreements.”

In this ecumenical spirit Imam Adsan Tair rose to say he hoped the Pope would now apologize for remarks he made in 2006, that  Muhammad had only brought “evil and inhuman things” into the world, such as his “command to spread by the sword the faith that he preached.” 

With a sweet smile Benedict said he would be glad to if his “honored” guest would admit that in Saudi Arabia non-Muslims could not worship in public and faced death if they converted.

With their delegations forming behind them, the Pope and the Imam faced off in the middle of the Apostolic Palace.

“Yo mama was so ugly she died a virgin,” the Imam hissed.

“Yo mama was so ugly she could go three days on the desert without food or water,” the Pope responded.

As his followers egged him on the Imam thought for a moment. Then:

“Yo Mama was so ugly she had to live in a manger,” he shouted.

The mullahs howled and ululated.

Benedict and his crew regrouped. Then shot back:

“Yo Mama was so fat they called her Fatima”

The papal delegation cheered and hi-fived.

And theologians on both sides hurried to the holy texts for more citations.

JEWS TO MORMONS:
THANKS BUT NO THANKS

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah, Nov. 11…There are 12.6  million Mormons in the world, about half living in the US.  But if the church has its way there will soon be millions more. 

And a lot of them will be Jews.

Mormons have been quietly baptizing dead Jews for years. They do it out of love, they claim.

“Baptism by water is necessary ordinance for people to return to God,” the Mormon Guide to the Scriptures says. “Baptism for the dead in Mormon temples gives those who would have embraced Christ and His Church the opportunity to do so after death.”

According to Frontline, the Mormons maintain extensive genealogical records at Granite Mountain Records Vault, a climate-controlled repository designed to withstand nuclear attack, in the Wasatch Mountains, 20 miles southeast of Salt Lake City. They have compiled 2.4 million rolls of microfilm containing 2 billion names, all of whom they mean to baptize. 

The process went on quietly for years with living Mormons standing in for the ones to be baptized and immersing themselves in the baptismal fount. In the 90′s however it was discovered that Mormons had submitted the names of 380,000 Holocaust victims for baptism.

“We do not ask for or want your love,” said Ernest Michel, honorary chairman of American Gathering of Holocaust Survivors. “We ask you to respect our religion as we respect yours.”

  Mormons agreed to remove those names and other Jews as well who were not related to Mormons. But the practice has continued. Mormons believe that is unfair  to deny” salvation” to  those who died without being taught the Gospel. Elder Mark E. Peterson says posthumous baptism gives them a chance to be “saved in the presence of God.

“We baptized Sigmund Freud,” a Mormon cleric says. “Now in the afterlife he has decided that sex with teenaged girls is not neurotic after all…Karl Marx has renounced communism  Albert Einstein understands that e=mc2 only by the grace of the Angel Moroni. 

“They’re all good Mormons now.”