“MR. CONSUMER,” DEAD AT 52

Chelm, Indiana, May 5…A year ago confetti swirled, banners furled and the Chelm High School Marching Band played “Indiana” as Armin Grooskarf was crowned “Mr. Consumer of 2007.”

On that sunny day Fox and CNN came to this forgotten factory town to hear the manager of the Chelm Wal-Mart read a message from President George W. Bush commending Mr. Grooskarf for his “dedication beyond the call of duty” in the war on terror. State legislators applauded as Grooskarf was given a plaque and a new Wal-Mart credit card with a fifteen-day grace period. Later, he posed for photos with Miss Indiana and got cheers as he used his new card to buy a Hannah Montana DVD for his niece in Oregon.

What had Mr. Grooskarf done to deserve this honor? He had consumed.

In the aftermath of the 911 attacks, President Bush had urged Americans to beat the terrorists by “going on with your lives, spending money, going shopping at the mall.”

Mr. Grooskarf, a sausage stuffer, who had been living on disability since his hand had been mangled by a meat grinder, took the president’s message to heart. “I wanted to serve my country in the only way I could,” he said. “I consumed.”

He bought a tractor mower, even though he had only a quarter acre lawn and his doctor had recommended hand mowing to help control his diabetes. He bought a Ford 150 pick up because Ford was in trouble and everyone said America couldn’t let the big auto companies fail. His credit was “shaky,” the salesman said because he had been late on a phone bill in 1993. But that was good. The 14.5% interest he was paying would improve Ford’s bottom line and help them lend money to other patriotic consumers. He bought a #632 built-in sub zero refrigerator even though he only lived with his mom and she had Alzheimer’s and often forgot to eat for days. He ordered a 424 wine storage unit, even though he only bought Gallo Chablis and the label said to make sure you drank it as soon as you got it home. He bought a 60-inch Sony Flat Panel HD TV, which barely fit against his living room wall.

The credit card companies joined with him in the war on terror. They let him roll one credit card into another. After a few months his mailbox was overflowing with offers. As a good consumer they said he “had been chosen” to receive another credit card with a bonus of 1000 miles on ATA airlines. They lowered his minimum so he could buy more and pay later.

Mr. Grooskarf heard Fed Chairman Greenspan say that housing prices were creating the wealth, which the American homeowner was using to finance the world economy. Sure enough the seven-room frame house that had been in his family for a hundred years was now worth a million dollars. He immediately bought the property next door for a million two, using his house as collateral. He didn’t need the house, it just seemed like the right thing to do. The loan officer showed Grooskarf a power point presentation that traced the path of his money. First, his mortgage was packaged into a “bundle” of “subprimes” and sold to a hedge fund. That allowed the bank to lend more money to deserving borrowers. Next, the hedge fund packaged his loan into a Collateralized Debt Obligation and sold that to investors. People bought insurance on the CDO and that was packaged into a “bundle” of insurance policies, which were then sold as another kind of CDO. And then swapped for still another CDO.

Grooskarf sat back in awe as the loan officer explained that his subprime mortgage had generated a hundred million dollars of wealth for investors all over the world.

“The American consumer is making everybody rich,” the loan officer said.

Then, the house of cards started to tumble. It began with people who couldn’t pay their mortgages. As foreclosures started to inch up, the CDO’s lost their underlying value. Hedge funds shut down, banks had no capital, the stock market crashed. Then, the housing market collapsed. Mr. Grooskarf had what the loan officer called “negative equity,” which meant that he owed more than his house was worth. The “home equity” loan he had taken out wasn’t covering his purchases so everything was repossessed. He was living in an empty house, which was about to be taken away from him. ATA airlines declared bankruptcy. The lowered minimum on his credit card extended his debt at a higher interest.

Now Grooskarf couldn’t borrow, which meant he couldn’t spend. Which meant he wasn’t doing his bit in the War on Terror. Neighbors told him not to worry. The same thing was happening to everybody. Indiana led the nation in foreclosures.

But Grooskarf was inconsolable. He watched the commentators on CNBC say that the “American consumer has disappeared.” Panic spread throughout the world. Food prices skyrocketed. There were rice riots in Asia and Africa. Neighbors say he felt responsible.

President Bush gave another speech on the economy. “We’re going through some hard times,” he said and urged Americans to “support the economy,” to “go shopping.”

“The president is angry,” Grooskarf said. “I’m Mr. Consumer. I should be doing something.”

This morning neighbors, seeing smoke and smelling fumes broke down Grooskarf’s new Wayne Dalton “safe and thermally efficient” steel garage door. Mr. Grosskarf was dead behind the wheel of his John Deere lawn tractor, which features “The Edge Cutting System, providing superior lift and a precise level cut.”

Police found a note on his new Mac Book Air, “ultra thin, ultra portable, ultra unlike anything else.”

“I’m Mr. Consumer,” it said. “The world was depending on me and I failed.”

Mr. Grooskarf is survived by his mother Adele, his sister Fran and his niece, Bree, of Eugene, Oregon.

2 Responses to ““MR. CONSUMER,” DEAD AT 52”


Leave a Reply