GREEN-POINT, Brooklyn, Sept. 17…The Large Hadron Collider is  part of an alien real estate conspiracy, a community activist charged last night.

At a tumultuous meeting at Golubchik’s Tavern Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, editor of accused “gullible scientists” of standing by while the earth was taken over by what he called “deep space developers” and insisted that international agencies call a halt of its operations pending a thorough investigation.

“Don’t be fooled,” he warned. “This collider is a superweapon built by aliens. They are going to implode the earth like a Las Vegas hotel and put up intergalactic timeshares…” 

The Large Hadron Collider, an $8 billion project, twenty-five years in the making, is a 17 mile, 38,000 ton tubular steel track, built 326 feet under ground outside of Geneva at the French-Swiss border. It contains 10 gigajoules of energy, the equivalent of 2.4 tons of TNT and generates 120 to 200 kilowatt hours of electricity, enough to power  200,000 California homes. In full operation the collider will introduce trillions of protons into the tube at opposite directions. Its huge magnets, cooled by 91,000 tons of liquid helium and 10,000 tons of liquid nitrogen to a temperature lower than that  in outer space, will send the protons hurtling toward each other at speeds exceeding 99.999999 per cent of the speed of light. 

The purpose of the collisions is to replicate the “Big Bang” that scientists believe created the universe.  It is hoped that the collider’s experimental results will answer several questions.  How does matter create mass? Is the universe is made up of more than four dimensions–possibly ten or eleven? And can one unified theory can explain all of creation?

After a few “minor electrical problems” the collider had its first successful test on September 10th. Thousands of scientists around the world watched cheering as a beam of protons made its first circuit of the tunnel track. 

Champagne corks popped at CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research) which built the collider. 

“We can now look forward to a new era of understanding about the origins and evolution of the universe,” said project leader Lyn Evans.

But while the Europeans were toasting each other, Yopsvoyomatsky was drinking Popov Vodka out of a plastic bottle on a bench in Greenpoint’s Barge Park and staring across the East River at the glittering New York skyline. He had just been evicted from his rent controlled studio by a developer who planned to implode the building and replace it with a high rise mixed-use condo–units starting at $1million–with a pool, fitness center, on site masseuse and concierge; and with space on the first floor for art galleries and “fine cuisine” restaurants. 

“It was then that I had my revelation,” he told a rapt audience. “My Newton-under -the- apple tree, Einstein- under- the- clock- towers- of -Basel moment. I had discovered the one force that makes the entire universe run—Real Estate.”

Taking frequent pulls from a bottle of Vitamin Water, his shaven pate reddening, he continued.

“The history of this planet is told in the dispossession of people from land. Call it conquest, colonization, ethnic cleansing…Call it development, gentrification if you like, it always the same. If it happens globally why not planetarily? Why not cosmically? Why not aliens who want to galactify the earth? Call it species cleansing.”

“You’re insane,” someone shouted.

“And your precious physicists, they are not?” Yopsvoyomatsky jeered. “They are the arrogant priesthood of the intellect who believe they can penetrate the mystery of creation. In five years a processor the size of my thumbnail will have more computing power than all the brains of all the physicists in the world. Do you not think it is  megalomania to claim that your puny mind can build a machine that will encompass the universe?” 

“The collider will advance human knowledge,” someone shouted.

“In what way?”Yopsvoyomatsky jeered. “Basic research is supposed to have some technological application, some way to make our lives better. What will the collider contribute? Will it make us healthier, richer? Will it produce cheaper energy, more food for starving masses?”

“Then why did they build it?” 

“Europe, a dying culture with zero population growth and sclerotic bureaucracy was manipulated into building it so it could say my collider is bigger than yours to Americans.”

“Who manipulated Europe?”

“Alien infiltrators working for Intergalactic Real Estate Developers.”

The crowd roared its derision.

“You’re just mad because they threw you out of your apartment,” someone shouted.

Yopsvoyomatsky recoiled as if he had been hit and sank back onto his barstool.

“That was a low blow,” someone said reprovingly

“My beautiful little studio,” Yopsvoyomatsk said, mournfully and the crowd hushed. “New floors, new WaterPik shower head, new appliances, even a four-slice toaster…I could see all the way from the battery to the Triboro.” 

A few people nodded in sympathy.

“Four-twenty five a month,” he said.

There was a sob in the crowd.  “Oh my God…”

“Working people were my neighbors. They took their children to the park on summer days. I could smell their barbecues…Now they will build a tower of steel and glass. Aliens will come from  Europe and Asia…”

“No,”someone shouted.

A woman ran out of the room, crying, “I can’t stand it.”

Yopsvoyomatsky raised his hands. “But that my friends is just a preview. We are  a very desirable piece of property, the Hawaii of the universe.Our sun large enough to give us a varied, temperate climate. We are not overly troubled by solar winds and sun spots. We haven’t had a serious meteor collision since 1907 in Siberia. Our moon creates the gentle flow of tides and enthralls us with its cool, clear light playing on the waters…” His tone hardened. “But somewhere in space a developer has homed in on us. Like Greenpoint we are a cosmic steal. One night when the pull of the full moon increases the circumference of the collider tube, the scientists’ calculations will be thrown off. The proton beams will go off course. Black holes will form, each consuming the other. The liquid nitrogen will leak out of its sealed tube and explode. The 91,000 tons of liquid helium will go up as well. The planet will be devastated. Our species will become extinct.”

A wild-haired man with his own vitamin bottle rose, voice quavering prophetically. “This will come to pass…”

“Then the developers will come with their architects and contractors,” Yopsvoyomatsky said with a look of disgust. “They will turn our beautiful planet into a resort for the spoiled, rich, spaceship-setters. A slimy alien will sit in this spot with cocktail enjoying our sunset…”

The people sat in silence, contemplating their dismal future. Then a voice piped up from the back of the room:

“Igor, I know a guy who’s got a two family in Jackson Heights. He’s looking to rent the top floor. Nice one bedroom, your own kitchen, full bathroom with stall shower, private entrance…Five hundred…He’ll give you the first month free.”

The crowd stirred hopefully. 

Yopsvoyomatsky thought it over. “Jackson Heights is in Queens, no?”


Yopsvoyomatsky shook his head. “I could never live in Queens…”


  • No Comments

Leave a Reply