Research Shows Constipation Is Primary Cause Of Crime

Boulder, Col,, Aug. 25th…An explosive new study  claims that constipation is the number one cause of crime in the developed world.

“Colonic blockage is a  more important factor in predicting criminal activity than poverty, drugs or mental illness,” declares study co-author, Dr. Analle Fisher. “Constipation is at once the  metaphor and the concrete manifestation of the suppression of cathartic impulses in the body politic.”

Fisher and co-author, Dr. Heinz Bupke, of the Frankfurt Institute in Grand Teuton, Wyoming, described themselves as “medical muckrakers” in a presentation  at the at the annual Conference of Gastrointestinal Professionals on the University of Colorado’s Dry Rock campus.

“We prove that violence and constipation go hand in hand,” says Bupke. “And that this inconvenient truth has been shoved up a pigeonhole by the pharmaceutical industry.”

The study has made a splash in the placid waters of the academic community with its accusation that eminent researchers collude with the drug companies to continue the “counterproductive prescribing of psychotropics for  anti-social behavior when a simple laxative would achieve better results.”

“Our investigations show that Big Pharma has dammed up the free flow of information on this vital subject,” Bupke says. At a press conference they issued a  thunderous denunciation of colleagues who had leaked parts of the study to the drug companies in exchange for cash and grants. “They are a stain on the unsullied garment of disinterested research,” Fisher said.

The study, seven years in the making,  began with a comparison of crime statistics from what the authors called “low and high fiber localities.” Areas where fried food, white flour, sugary drinks and snack foods were consumed reported twice the number of crimes as those where a more balanced diet predominated. 

“There were more ER visits for bloating, irritability, discomfort, flatulence, seepage, noisome afflatus and sexual dysfunction,” Bupke says. “More reports  of anxiety, stress, paranoia, homicidal and suicidal impulses.  More outbursts of inexplicable violence. More arrests and referrals to psychiatric facilities.”

Authorities view criminality as  psychopathology  and treat it with psychotropic medications, Fisher says. “

“They blame the brain, we finger the bowels,” says Bupke.

“Anyone who has  taken a pain killer or an anti-depressant, knows that they lower the sex drive and block the gut,” says Fisher. 

Bupke adds: “And anyone who has taken a laxative knows that the feeling of relief and well-being far surpasses that produced by psychotropic medication.”

The authors reviewed transcripts of thousands of interrogations of homicide suspects. “Over ninety per cent were  on licit or illicit  drugs,” says Bupke. “Twenty-seven per cent said they had not evacuated  for days.”

Fisher says she was mulling over these statistics when the truth slowly emerged.   “Suddenly, I knew how Archimedes felt when he saw the bubbles in his bathtub,” says Fisher. “I shouted Eureka!, I’ve gotten to the bottom of crime.”

“Most of the violent  perpetrators we examined were straining to excrete on the day they committed their act” says Bupke. “Murder was their purgation.”

” A timely enema would have saved a life,” says Fisher.

Their investigations next took them to prisons. “Incarceration is existential constipation,” says Bupke. “The individual is locked up and cannot escape.”

They found that digestive problems  are more prevalent among the inmates than in the normal population. 

“Women’s prisons are a hell hole of cloggage, incontinence and nocturnal enuresis,” says Fisher. ” But men’s prisons are even worse. Drugs are put in the food to suppress sexual urges. They are forcibly administered to all inmates. Compounded by the high fat, low fiber, sugary  prison  diet this overdosing produces a condition of total impaction…”

“Imagine a corridor jammed with gassy felons,” Bupke says. “Unable to escape. No exit for them or their roughage.” He breaks off with a look of horror…

Fisher raises a cautioning finger. “And yet prison violence is often misunderstood. Anal penetration by a foreign object is seen as sadistic depravity when it is frequently an attempt to dislodge a stubborn mass.”

Recently, there has been a flood of inmate lawsuits, alleging that prison diets are causing severe health problems. Oklahoma City Bomber Terry Nichols  sued the Colorado Supermax Federal Penitentiary, claiming that  prison meals made him “sin against God.”  He was joined by fellow inmate Eric Rudolph who bombed abortion clinics and the Atlanta Olympics . Their suit charges that prison food causes “constipation and gas, leading to severe hemorrhoids” and is a violation of the Constitutional prohibition against “cruel and unusual punishment.”

Bupke notes  that both men had used “detonations” to relieve their frustrations. “Who knows how many lives could have been saved if they had been properly toilet trained.”

Critics accuse Fisher and Bupke of  lumping  conflicting variables into one indigestible theory. “They think that defecation is the Holy Grail of psychopathology, sputters Professor Fred Plotznick. 

“”Yes we do,” Bupke retorts.  And points to the success of a recent experiment they conducted at Hershey State Prison. 

“We divided the Maximum Security Unit into two groups,” he says. “One was continued on heavy medication and given the standard prison diet. The other group  was taken off psychotropics and fed light meals, featuring dried figs, baked beans and espresso.

“When we returned  two weeks later we found the first group had rioted, burnt their mattresses and taken guards hostage. We were greeted with curses and threats. and had to be escorted by armed guards.”

Dr. Fisher continues: “But as we approached the second unit we heard laughter and singing. The cell block was spotless and fragrant.  The inmates, in freshly laundered overalls, were in the rec room, doing a folk dance and singing Hava Nargila.

“They welcomed us with open arms,” Bupke says. He tries to contain his emotions. “They lifted us onto their shoulders and marched around the block,chanting: 

“We don’t chill with Lexipro/ Ducolax is the way we go…”

Fisher brushes away a tear of her own. “I put in long years of hard, lonely work with nothing to show for it. But it was worth the effort. If I can soften the stool of one hardened criminal I will not have  lived in vain.”

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