BUSH SAYS PROMS KEY TO PEACE IN MIDDLE EAST

WASHINGTON, D.C., May 24… In a stormy closed-door cabinet meeting today President George W. Bush proposed what he called “the final solution” to the Israeli-Arab conflict–proms.

Bush said that on his recent visit to the area he was surprised to learn that young Arabs and Jews didn’t date each other or attend dances.

According to a senior official, who asked not to be named because he/she and/or/ it is not authorized to speak to the press, Bush rebuked his cabinet officers for not apprising him of what he called this “critical fact,” and instructed them to immediately begin organizing “mixers” in the Middle East.

“Nothing brings people together better than a good old-fashioned high school social,” Bush said.

Richard Jones, US Ambassador to Israel, suggested diplomatically that co-ed dances were not “the norm” in the religiously conservative Arab culture. Bush fixed him with a keen look and asked: “Has anybody ever tried them?”

“No,” he was told.

“Well then we don’t know if they won’t work, do we?” Bush shot back, triumphantly. Rising dramatically, he declared: “We are the most powerful country in the history of the world and you’re telling me we can’t get a bunch of kids to do the macarena?”

Bush appointed Vice President Richard Cheney as the chairman of what he called “homecoming night…”

“We should just nuke ‘em all,” Cheney muttered in his coffee.

“Speak up, Dick,” Bush demanded.

“We’re gonna have a ball.” Cheney said.

With a visionary gleam in his eye, Bush began making plans. “First, we’ll have to get out a vote for Prom King and Queen…That’ll encourage democratic participation. We’ll make the King an Israeli and the Queen a Palestinian…”

“Unmarried Arab women do not dance with strange men, Mr. President,” Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said. “And certainly not with an Israeli…”

Bush gave her a pitying look. “You may not know this Condi, but you put a bunch of young boys and girls together with those hormones raging and they’ll forget about their little differences…”

Warming to the task, Bush began making a checklist.

“We’ll need refreshments,” he said and snapped his fingers as he got a brilliant idea. “How about a barbecue?” He assigned Agricultural Secretary Ed Schafer to the task. “Let’s get us some chicken, some ribs, some Brunswick stew…”

“Muslims and Jews don’t eat pork, Mr. President,” Secretary Schafer said.

“Have they ever tried it?” Bush challenged.

“It’s a religious thing, Mr. President,” Ambassador Jones said, tactfully.

“Okay, well we can get some of those deep fried whiffle balls,” Bush said.

There was a puzzled silence for a moment until Secretary Rice came to the rescue.

“You mean felaffel, Mr. President.”

“Yeah,” Bush said. “Get a bunch of them. Get some of that humus. I mean we put that stuff on our compost heaps back in Crawford…”

“That humus is fertilizer, Mr. President, Defense Secretary Gates said. “This is hummous, it’s made with chick peas… and it’s a great delicacy..”

“Well, why do they want to call it by the same name as dead leaves and cow poop?” Bush said, momentarily miffed. But he soon recovered his good spirits.

“Condi, you hire the DJ, you’re musically inclined.”

“I lean to the classical, Mr. President,” Secretary Rice said.

“Oh now c’mon Condi, you were around for Motown. You look like the fourth Supreme…”

“This is gonna be some flop,” Vice President Cheney groused.

“Say what, Dick?” President Bush said.

“I like the Four Tops,” Cheney said.

President Bush stopped for a moment. His Cabinet looked on in trepidation as he sat there, brow furrowed, deep in thought. Then, he brightened.

“I knew I forgot something…Transportation. Dick, you’re in charge. Get them boys and girls some nice big stretch limos to take them to the prom in style.”

“What a bummer,” Cheney growled.

“What? “the President asked.

“I’ll get a Hummer,” Cheney said.

Bush went out to veto some bills. When he returned his Cabinet officers were sitting around, glumly.

“This is gonna be great,” he said. And got a faraway prophetic look. “And when the prom is over we’ll work on getting those Palestinians a state…”

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