ELDERLY TOURISTS ACCUSED OF PENIS-SHRINKING

KINSHASHA, Congo, May 28…A group of American senior citizens on a bus tour of Africa had to run for their lives last night when a mob of maddened Congolese accused them of witchcraft and penis-shrinking.

“I’ve never been so frightened in my life,” said Esther Schmeckler, 75, from the Red Buttons Home for the Aged in West Palm Beach, Florida. “These men were waving machetes and pointing to their groins. I thought it was some kind of mating ritual…”

“The Congo is in the grip of an epidemic of Genital Retraction Syndrome,” says Richard Hertz, psychiatric consultant to the Congolese Ministry of Health. “These tourists were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Genital Retraction Syndrome is a psychiatric disorder that is spread by mob hysteria through the male population. It occurs when an individual, becomes convinced his genitals are retracting into his body and will eventually disappear.There have been outbreaks in Maylasia where it is called “koro,” or “turtles head.” In China it is known as “shook yang,” and has spread through large cities in a matter of hours, with thousands of men appearing at hospitals claiming their penises are disappearing . The disease is believed to be caused by witches hired by enemies, or by extortionists who promise to restore the purloined penis for a cash payment. Mob violence often results as the afflicted men hunt down and murder the putative perpetrators.

In Ghana, twelve suspected penis shrinkers were beaten to death by a rampaging mob.

Foreigners are often blamed for infecting the populations. In Khartoum, Sudan, Ja’far Abbas, a local journalist, said the disease was spread by ‘”Imperialist Zionist agents “who are trying to prevent Muslims from procreating and multiplying.” He said the Zionist agents were selling a comb in the bazaars that was really a “laser-controlled surgical robot that penetrates the skull, passes to the lower body and emasculates a man.”

The disease reached epidemic proportions in Kinshasha last week. Police arrested 13 alleged sorcerers for casting penis shrinking spells. Callers to radio-talk-in shows advised listeners to “beware of those wearing gold jewelry.”

Unaware of this controversy, the American retirees arrived at the Kinshasha Hilton after a hot, bumpy eleven hour ride through the jungle. The few casual onlookers grew into a muttering crowd as people noticed the gold Stars of David many of the women were wearing. A rumor spread that “Israeli agents” had infiltrated the city.

Stiff and creaky from their long journey, the tourists, elderly women in their ’70′s, decided to limber up. They gathered in the courtyard of the hotel where tour leader Ellen Putznick led them in a group dance called the hora.

“We like to folk dance,” said Mina Shwanzman. “It’s good exercise and it’s culturally enriching.”

But the mob of Congolese men, nerves frazzled by the rumors, were alarmed.

“This to me was the dance of sorceresses come to cast a spell over us,” said Aristide Banane.

Men watched from the windows and rooftops of surrounding buildings.

“I thought we were having a genuine cultural communication,” said Fanny Shlanger. “We would show them our dance and then they would show us their’s.”

Suddenly, a shriek of terror came from the crowd. “J’ai perdu ma penis!” (I’ve lost my penis!) Within seconds more men ran out, screaming, rolling on the ground and clutching their groins. “it looked like they were break dancing,” Mrs. Shlanger said.

The men pointed and shouted accusations, but refrained from touching the women, fearful that any physical contact would lead to instant retraction.

A detachment of Congolese police sped to the scene and formed a cordon around the women. But they were soon overwhelmed by mobs of enraged men carrying machetes and flaming branches.

A platoon of Marines was dispatched from the US Embassy. They roared up, sirens blaring, firing in the air, loudspeakers proclaiming: ‘these are American tourists. They have not stolen your penises.” Meanwhile, Chinook helicopters lowered ladders and each of the women was lifted to safety. Later, a convoy escorted them to the airport where an Air Force plane awaited to fly them to Germany.

On the plane, the women spoke warmly of Africa and said they were sorry their tour had ended so abruptly. They downplayed the insanity of the incident.

“This happens everywhere,” Mrs. Schmeckler said. “My late husband Harry, he should rest in peace, always used to say to me: ‘Esther you’re cutting off my balls.’”