Daily Archive for June 13th, 2008

CANDIDATE’S BESTIAL YOU TUBE GETS 11 MILLION HITS

WASHINGTON,D.C., June 13…Leah Schildkraut’s presidential campaign was roiled today by the release of a video showing her having a sexual encounter with a tortoise.

“This is a plot to discredit a candidate who was just beginning to have her message heard,,” campaign spokesman Edna Tortuga said. “Leah performed a service to global ecology and this is the thanks she gets.”

The cell phone video taken last year on an islet in the Galapagos Islands shows Schildkraut in a thong lying in the shallows next to an upended Pinta tortoise. There is a jump in the tape and then Schildkraut is seen reaching out to manipulate the tortoise’s genitalia. The giant amphibian’s tiny legs churn and its head goes in and out of its shell for about thirty seconds. Then it rolls over and nibbles on a piece of seaweed, while Schildkraut lays back on the sand, looking up at the sky, hands behind her head.

The video was released on You Tube by Efraim Durg, professional poker player and candidate of the Gambler’s Rights Party at 11 am, EST and immediately rocketed through cyberspace. By 4 pm it had registered 11 million hits.The Anarcho-Feminist web site crashed from the volume of comments.

Schildkraut’s candidacy, which had gotten traction from the surprise endorsement of Bin Laden’s, deputy commander, Ayman Al Zwahiri, was now threatened with becoming an Internet oddity.

A distraught Schildkraut called an emergency press conference.

“The release of this video is a personal betrayal,” she said.

She was shouted down by reporters.

“Did you or did you not have sex with a tortoise while wearing a bikini?”

“I was trying to save an endangered species,” Schildkraut said.

The crowd hooted with scorn. Blinded by TV lights and popping flash bulbs, Schildkraut tried to explain.

“I am a volunteer for the World Heritage Committee of UNESCO (United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization),” she said. “We have been trying to protect the fragile ecosystem of the Galapagos Islands. The marine and terrestrial life is unique and invaluable. We have already boosted the giant tortoise population to between 10 and 30,000… But the Pinta tortoise…”

“Is it true that you have started a tortoise sex tourism travel agency?” a reporter asked.

Schildkraut ignored him and pressed on. “The Pinta tortoise, a very exotic breed, is threatened with extinction. One of the few males, who we called Lonesome George…”

“Not so lonesome anymore,” a familiar voice called. It was Efraim Durg, who had arrived with his supporters.
“George was unable to consummate,” Schildkraut said, “thus threatening the future of his breed. But a German veterinarian devised a sperm-retrieval technique, which involves fondling the tortoise’s genitalia until it ejaculates…” She blushed and stammered…”It was found that I was particularly adept at this tickling and could bring George to ejaculation in under fifteen minutes…”

The room exploded in laughter and ribald proposals.

“How do you explain your threesome with two tortoises?” Durg shouted.

“It wasn’t a threesome. I was attempting to introduce George to a female who had previously spurned him,” Schildkraut said.

“Who took this video?” someone asked.

“Our group leader, Dr. Estaban Marino-Monstruo.”

“Did he tell you to wear the bikini?”

“Yes,” Schildkraut said. “He said it would be more comfortable for the beach.” She bit her lip and turned away. “I thought we had a trusting professional–and personal–relationship. He made a fool out of me…”

The room went quiet. Sensing that Schildkraut had gotten the crowd’s sympathy, Durg shouted:

“The question is: do we want a tortoise fluffer to be President of the United States?”

Fighting tears, Schildkraut responded:

“Do we want our President to be chosen by a group of men playing poker in a smoke-filled room?”

“Yes,” everyone shouted.

“Duh,” Durg said with a look of incredulity. “That’s how it’s always done.”