NEW YORK, NY, July 7…It’s a huge red, white and blue balloon with caricatures of Obama and McCain posed Janus-like on both sides. The slogan reads: “OBAMACAIN. Does it make any difference?”
It’s the brainchild of Efraim Durg, presidential nominee of the Gamblers’ Rights party. Durg, is a double-issue candidate, who promises “legalized marijuana and a casino in every county.” His campaign launched millions of the balloons at parades, barbecues and memorial services over the July Fourth weekend and Durg says the response has been “incredible.”
“People are catching on that Obama and McCain are just front men for the oligarchy that really runs this country,” he says.
Anarcho-Feminist candidate Leah Schildkraut, who has a more complex program involving medical care, woman’s rights, global poverty, child abuse and the culture of violence, reluctantly agrees.
“Obama and McCain have merged into one candidate,” she said at a joint press conference with Durg at the Adam Mickiewicz meeting hall in the Greenpoint section of Brooklyn yesterday.
“I call it the Obamacain Conspiracy,” Durg interjected.
Schlldkraut winced, visibly unhappy to be sharing a platform with her arch rival. “As the campaign has progressed McCain has moved to the left and Obama to the center until their positions on the major issues are almost identical,” she said. “Their agenda is clear. They want to maintain the control of the moneyed elites for the next four years…”
“Obamacain numbs the senses,” Durg said, opening a Costco economy-sized can of cheese and bean spread. “Ask your dentist for a shot of Obamacain…”
Schildkraut glared him into silence.
“Let’s take the major issues,” she said. “Iraq, for example. McCain began calling for total victory and vowing to stay in Iraq for a hundred years. Now he says he will have all the troops out by 2013…”
“Obama started out by saying he’d have all the troops out in 16 months,” Durg said. “Now he’s talking about consulting with the commanders in the field. Which means we’ll never get out of there until they change the name of the country to Halliburtopia…”
“Halliburtopia,” his supporters chanted. “Halliburtopia…Halliburptopia
Ms. Schildkraut wrinkled her nose. “Is something burning?” she asked.
“Uh, we’re just bombing the cockroaches,” Durg said. And turned back to the audience. “Religious fundamentalists,” he shouted and his supporters booed.
“McCain panders to the evangelicals,” Schildkraut said…
“Is he giving Pandas to the intellectuals?” Durg said. “Pandas are cute.” Overcome by a fit of giggling he walked off the stage for a moment to be pounded on the back by his aides as Schildkraut continued.
“Obama preached separation of churched and state,” she said. “But now he says and I quote: Both parties see the value of a partnership with faith-based groups…”
There was a commotion as Durg tried to get back on stage and was held back by Schildkraut’s security detail from the Lesbian Cage Fighters Association.
“On gun control, the candidates are now indistinguishable,” Schildkraut said. “McCain is a puppet of the NRA and Obama who once said that working class people held onto their guns as a compensation for their frustration now supports the Supreme Court decision to allow people to have guns in their home for protection, and says : We can protect the the right to bear arms and keep our communities safe.”
Schildkraut looked anxiously offstage as Durg’s security forces from the Bikers-Bouncers and Bodyguards agency battled Schildkraut’s contingent.
“McCain originally said that Roe v. Wade should be overturned,” she said. “But now has moderated to say abortion should be permissible in cases of rape, incest or threat to the mother’s health.
“Obama who was originally pro choice without reservation now says and I quote: I don’t think mental distress qualifies as the mother’s health…”
As paramedics rushed into the hall to remove the wounded, Schildkraut spoke faster.
“McCain and Obama are united in giving the corporate elites immunity from civil prosecution. They both support tort reform, which is just another way of denying the poor due process in the civil courts. They both voted to give immunity to the large telecoms, who turn over private information to government agencies…”
With an urgent look offstage she concluded. “We sat back for years and allowed the financial establishment to gut the national economy with padded charges, usurious credit card rates, sub-prime loans and market manipulation. Now their unchecked greed has depleted their capital. The rich become very dangerous when their assets are threatened. An Obamacain Presidency will allow them to rebuild their fortunes at our expense.”
Bleeding profusely, his black shirt ripped to tatters, Durg fought his way onstage and raised a victorious fist.
“Down with Obamacain!”
“Send a message,” Schildkraut said. “Vote Anarcho-Feminist.”
“Want a taste?” Durg offered.
Schildkraut pushed him away. “You’re disgusting.”
“Try it,” he said. He tried to pass her something under the table. “It’s light, really light.”
