Sydney, Australia, April 25…The Olympic Games have begun early this year with a new event—Capture the Torch.
The object of this hotly contested competition is to capture the Olympic torch on its so-called “goodwill” journey around the world. If China, the host nation, gets to Beijing with the torch intact then it will garner the gold medal. But if the torch is captured along the way the honor will go to underdog Tibet, a tiny mountainous country between India and China, which is making its Olympic debut.
The Chinese side has put together an elite team of fifty karate-trained Special Forces soldiers to form a lethal human wedge around the volunteer torch bearers. Their opponents have countered with small groups of Buddhist monks, who pursue the procession chanting “Free Tibet.” This strategy has drawn huge crowds of college students who think the monks are giving out samples.
“Get some of this Tibet, dude, it’s trippy” said Brian, a communications major from Chatsworth.
The event has been marred by accusations of unfair play from both sides. The French protested the “thuggish” behavior of the Chinese guards, who took sanctuary in France’s sacred Eiffel Tower, then invoked diplomatic immunity to beat opposing team members. The Chinese condemned the “weeping offense” in which the monks stood by the roadside crying copious tears and were soon joined by huge crowds of college students, tears streaming down their faces.
“Why are we crying?” Rebecca, a cheerleading sciences major asked.
“For Tibet,” she was told.
“Oh, did he die?”
The Chinese fought back with a paraplegic gymnast sobbing in a wheelchair as she brandished the torch and were awarded style points by the judges.
But they faced their most demanding test in San Francisco when Mayor Gavin Newsom leaked the details of the torch’s route to their opponents. They responded by sending out five “decoy” torches to different parts of the city, but then forgot which was the real torch. After a quick meeting of the competition committee it was decided that they would have to get all six torches safely out of the city or face disqualification.
Once away from the Western democracies the Chinese side began to pull ahead. In Indonesia the torch was displayed in a stadium to a crowd of invited guests, then quickly spirited away. In Pakistan it was transported through the sewers of Islamabad to the Indian border. The Indians smoothed the torch’s path by arresting every Tibetan in the country.
Now as the torch wends its quiet way through Australia, to New Zealand and Tasmania it looks like the Chinese have built up an insurmountable lead. Oddsmakers in London and Las Vegas have taken the event off the board. It’s a sure thing that the Chinese will bear their torch, sputtering in triumph through the smoggy streets of Beijing on Opening Day.
The Chinese have ruled Tibet since Mao’ Tse Tung’s army invaded it in 1950.
