Daily Archive for April 29th, 2008

CHINESE CYCLIST SEEK HARD ANSWERS TO A SOFT PROBLEM

Tampa. Fla, April 28…Twenty members of China’s national cycling team arrived in Miami yesterday on a mission to seek relief for an epidemic that is ravaging the Chinese countryside—bicycle erectile dysfunction.

BED occurs after long rides when the pressure on the perineum inhibits the flow of blood to the penis. It has long been a dirty secret in China, which has over three hundred million men for whom the bicycle is the exclusive means of transportation. Researchers believed that China, with more cyclists than any other country, would logically have more sufferers from BED. Most riders who traveled more than a hundred miles a week admitted they experienced genital numbness, or what they called “dead lichee…”

But China, being a closed society, would not open itself to foreign probes. According to researcher Steven Schrader, there were “endless testimonials about miles of cycling and erections of steel.” Then, after Boston urologist Dr. Irwin Goldstein declared that “there are two kinds of bike riders: those who are impotent and those who will soon be” and urged that “men should never ride bicycles and riding should be banned and outlawed” the Chinese decided to come clean.

A study from the Reproductive Center of Beijing People’s Hospital confirmed that over 52 per cent of Chinese men over 40 suffer from BED. Dr. Wang Yixin, of the Shanghai Andrology Research Centre says that 90 per cent admit that the disease has harmed their sex lives and caused them to hate their bicycles. Streets are littered with mangled bikes, public transportation is strained, pollution has increased and Chinese authorities fear massive unrest as working men lust after automobiles they cannot afford.

Dr. Wang says that Chinese men have traditionally sought refuge in folk remedies for impotence like shark’s fins, bear testicles and giant clams. They have actually had success with a device called the “erection stone,” which is made out of a piece of slate soaked in toad venom. The patient moistens his fingers, rubs them on the stone and then rubs both sides of his penis for about twenty minutes. After three hours the potion starts to have an effect and if your partner is still awake you can have a satisfactory sexual experience.

The cyclists’ search for a more efficient cure took them to the ergonomic bike shops of South Florida. Today they were given wider seats with central cutouts and fitted with bicycle shorts with gel inserts. After a few test rides their broad smiles told the story.

“Now we can truly enjoy the Tour De France,” cyclist Wan Huang Lo said.

Later, they took a long ride through the streets of Miami. At the sight of all the bikinis at South Beach Wan Huang Lo got off his bike.

“I think I’ll take up Ping Pong,” he said.