New York, May 2…Most Americans are poor, depressed, suicidal and dying younger than ever before and nobody’s doing anything about it,” declared Leah Schildkraut, as she announced her candidacy for the presidency today.
“Too much attention is being paid to the GNP (Gross National Product) and not the GNH, the Gross National Happiness,” she said.
Ms. Schildkraut, demographic specialist for the Anarcho-Feminist Coalition, cited the dismal results of a yearlong study of the Gross National Happiness Index in the US.
“According to the seven measures of wellness we are just plain miserable in this country,” she said in a press conference attended by hundreds of cheering supporters at the Fresh Kills landfill in Staten Island, a location she chose to highlight her belief that “our country is turning into one big garbage dump and we must do something about it.”
“Our Economic Wellness rate is zero,” she said. “Wages are stagnant, prices are up, gasoline and food are the highest they’ve ever been, housing prices are plunging…The US ranks 16th in the Human Poverty Index. The Poverty rate for minors under 21 is 21.9%, the highest in the developed world.”
Environmental Wellness is non existent, Ms. Schildkraut said. Pollution, noise and traffic are increasing. Global warming is causing lethal hurricanes and tornados.
The cheers subsided as Ms. Schildkraut continued.
“Physical Wellness is a national disgrace. We have 40 million people who have no health insurance, another 100 million whose insurance does not cover catastrophic care. Out of 44 developed countries the US ranks 26th in child mortality, tied with Croatia, Estonia and Poland at 7 deaths per 1000 births. The life expectancy for women in hundreds of counties across the South has declined. Poor men in America are dying younger as well. But the rich are living 4.5% longer than the poor and that discrepancy is increasing. The richest ten million people can expect to live long and happy lives while everyone else dies younger.”
Silence fell, broken only by the screeching gulls picking over tons of decaying garbage.
“Mental Wellness hardly rates a metric,” Ms. Schildkraut said with relish. “It is estimated that 9.5% of the population suffers from depression. Over 40 million prescriptions for Prozac alone were written in the past year. Suicide rate among pre teens has increased 183%. Suicides by adolescents under 20 were up by 18% over the previous year…”
People began to melt away. Blue and white Get Happy With Leah buttons were dropped on the garbage piles.
Efraim Durg, of Save Our Sanity.Org, waved a tiny American flag and shouted. “Why don’t you go to Zimbabwe? They’re really happy there.”
Ms. Schildkraut called to the retreating crowd. “Workplace Wellness hardly exists. Flat wages, job insecurity, harassment and abuse are rampant…”
“I blame the Teacher’s Union,” Mr. Durg said.
“Social Wellness must be addressed,” Ms. Schildkraut shouted in desperation. Divorce rates are up, school and workplace violence is a major threat, domestic abuse has never been higher. Family lawsuits have proliferated, parent against child…One in every hundred Americans is incarcerated…”
People were fleeing, stumbling over each other to get away.
“Political Wellness is at an all time low,” Mr. Schildkraut. “People are alienated from the process…”
By now everyone was gone. Only, Mr. Durg remained. He offered Ms. Schildkraut his flag.
“There’s a great pizza place by the ferry,” he said. “Wanna get a slice?”
