Daily Archive for May 14th, 2008

AL QAEDA NUMBER TWO ENDORSES SCHILDRAUT

 

DOHA, Qatar, May 16th…Citing the “clear threat” to Sunni Islam from what he called “the Obama-Hamas-Ahmenijhad axis” Ayman al Zawahiri, Deputy Commander of Al Qaeda today announced his support for Anarcho-Feminist Leah Schildkraut in the American presidential campaign.

“McCain and Clinton are Zionist stooges,” he said, in an audio tape released today, but expressed approval for Schildkraut’s “purity of heart.” She is he only candidate who had not been “corrupted by the Jewish lobby,” he said. “I am confident that Schildkraut can lead America back on to the righteous path.”

In a detailed argument, Zawahiri accused Barrack Obama of being “a front man for the Iranian-Zionist conspiracy to dominate the Middle East.” He listed three “disturbing omens of Iranian influence:”

1. The statement made by Ahmed Youssef, chief political adviser to Hamas Prime Minister Haniyeh that “we (Hamas) like Obama and hope he will win the election.”

Hamas never takes a political position without approval of its “Shia masters,” Zawahiri said and called their endorsement of Obama “proof that he is part of the Iranian-Zionist master plan to subjugate the Sunnis.”

2. The resignation of Obama’s Middle East consultant, Robert Malley after revelations that he had held secret talks with Hamas.

“The exposure of Robert Malley is the hump of the camel buried in the sandstorm,” Zawahiri said. Malley has said his meetings with Hamas were part of his activities with the International Conflict Resolution Group, but Zawahiri dismissed that organization as an “obvious Mossad front.

3.Obama’s commitment not to meet with Hamas until it has recognized the state of Israel, but his oft expressed willingness to talk to Iran without preconditions.

Zawahiri ridiculed this as “duplicitous expediency.” and said Obama has no need to meet with Hamas as long as he is communicating with their “true masters,” the Iranians.

He ended the tape with the ringing cry: “Schildkraut for President.”

Schildkraut was campaigning at the Magdalene Shelter for Unwed Mothers and was unaware of Zawahiri’s endorsement. She was delivering an impassioned speech to a small but enthusiastic crowd condemning the GOP’s recent proposal to cut cash assistance to unwed mothers under the age of 18.

“Taking food out of innocent children’s mouths will not cause the problem to go away,” she said. “This is the politics of cruelty.”

As the crowd cheered, a beige Bentley with BLACJAC plates pulled up and Efraim Durg, candidate of the Gambler’s Rights Party stepped out. A speaker blared Zawihiri’s Arabic message.

“Hey Schildkraut, know who that is?” Durg shouted. “Bin Laden’s right hand man. And guess what? He’s supporting you for President…”

“That’s a lie!” Schildkraut shouted back. But one of her aides, who was reading the news off her iPhone stepped up and whispered that it was true.

“I didn’t know anything about this,” the flustered Schildkraut said.

“You know what they do to unwed mothers in Saudi Arabia?” Durg asked, drawing his hand across his throat.

As the crowd melted away, Schildkraut protested: “I reject this endorsement. I reject everything Al Qaeda stands for.”

Soon she was alone.

Durg got back into his Bentley, gloating:

“Gotcha Schildkraut. Finally gotcha.”