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IS GENERAL PETRAEUS A MUSLIM?

Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, Editor-In-Chief of ParanoiaIsFact.com
answers readers’ questions

Dear Igor,

I live two exits down Interstate 75 from Gainesville, Florida where that pastor says he’s going to burn the Koran. I don’t mind telling you I’m afraid for my life. My cousin Fred says the Muslims will declare southern Florida Dar al Harb, House of War, and will call the faithful to jihad against us. Fred says that General Petraeus over in Kabul gave the secret signal when he said the Koran burning would cause more troops to lose their lives. Fred says Petraeus is a Muslim agent who sends our boys into ambushes with orders not to shoot back. He says I better haul ass before the suicide bombings start. Is this paranoia or fact?

Petrified,

Culo Raton, Florida.

Dear Petrified,

This is paranoia. The only jihad here is being waged by the mass media–and your Cousin Fred– against your mind.

Let’s look at the facts: An obscure pastor from an unaffiliated fundamentalist church, which claims 50 congregants, announces “Burn a Koran Day.” Does this call resonate? Not yet. As of Tuesday, after weeks of torrential coverage, Reverend Terry Jones had 8,663 friends on Facebook. Lady Gaga has over fourteen million.

Reverend Jones puts up signs on his balding lawn reading “Islam Is The Devil.” Do similar signs sprout up? No. Gainesville is preoccupied with its Downtown Arts Show; the town is buzzing about the start of the Florida Gators football season.

But does this non-event fizzle out? Does Pastor Jones give his party and nobody comes? No again. The ice cream Jesus may be melting in his backyard, but people are lining up in the alternate universe anxious for an invite. Everybody–from the Taliban to President Obama–wants to dance with this new star.

We live in an inverted era. In the past people made the news. Now news makes the people. Never mind that nothing is actually happening. The monomaniacs who have seized power over our lives see this as another opportunity to burnish their tarnished images–flog their flagging agendas.

So New York Mayor Bloomberg, trounced for his ringing support of the Ground Zero Mosque, now acknowledges Jones’s “Constitutional right” to burn the Koran. The man who thwarted free speech by outspending or simply bribing anyone who might oppose him now presents himself as a defender of the First Amendment.

President Obama, who dilutes the power of the Presidency with every quixotic attempt to assert it now urges Reverend Jones to listen to his “good angels.” Does he really think the good Reverend will pay heed to the son of a Muslim?

From his fastness in Kabul General David Petraeus warns the Koran burning will put American lives in jeopardy. Petraeus, the pushup champion of the Pentagon, is celebrated for his counter-insurgency doctrine of “nation-building.” He coined the dictum, “money is ammunition,” and advocates the use of discretionary funds to win the confidence of the indigenous population. In other words, bribe them into not shooting at us.

In the mysterious process of military advancement Petraeus achieved the rank of Major General and commanded the fabled 101st. airborne without ever seeing combat. He is credited with stabilizing the Iraqi city of Mosul, although the majority Kurdish population were strongly pro-American and it took several prolonged operations by Infantry brigades to kill and capture insurgents. Since taking over command in Afghanistan from General Stanley McChrystal, who won the sack race three years in a row at the Joint Chiefs of Staff Potomac Picnic, he has emphasized the need to minimize civilian casualties; although without uniforms everyone is officially a civilian. His Rules of Engagement require troops to identify targets as “combatants” before firing. In other words, eliminate the element of surprise or force protection in combat operations.

The Petraeus Doctrine doesn’t work in Afghanistan. The Taliban are incorruptible, which in the Middle East means they make more money shaking down opium smugglers than the American taxpayer can give them. So Petraeus is looking for someone to blame. First, he tried the Israelis, saying their intransigence, was turning the Muslim world against the US. But when nobody saluted he ran that down the flagpole. Now he has decided to blame an eccentric with no popular support.

On second thought, maybe you should start packing. With all the hysteria that our responsible leaders and our free press have whipped up, Terry Jones might end up with as many friends as Lady Gaga. And then you can bet somebody will decide to do something crazy.

Stay safe,

Igor